


Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die!

by kmsmitty



Category: NCT (Band), Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Abandonment, Abuse, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Attempted Murder, Betrayal, Blood, Blow Jobs, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Courtroom Drama, Denial, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Fear, Fear of Death, Graphic Description of Corpses, Grief/Mourning, Homelessness, Lies, M/M, Major Character Injury, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Minor Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Qian Kun, Minor Kim Jungwoo/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Minor Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Minor Nakamoto Yuta/Seo Youngho | Johnny, Nicknames, Prostitution, Reconciliation, Reunions, Smoking, Surgery, Violence, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2020-10-19 07:02:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20653121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kmsmitty/pseuds/kmsmitty
Summary: Moon Taeil has one desire in life: Dong Sicheng. Dong Sicheng has many desires, all of them destructive. What is Taeil to do, when the man he loves, is drawn to devastation like a moth to a flame? Will he let it consume him?





	1. This Is Gospel

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by Panic! at the Disco's album, "Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die!" Each song will have its own chapter, so there will be a total of 10 chapters. The album is heavy. This fic will be gruesome. I will be updating tags and things as chapters progress so as to avoid as many spoilers as I responsibly can. If you have issues with drug use and/or certain sexual scenarios, this is probably not the fic for you. Each chapter will begin with lyrics from the accompanying song. Hope you enjoy it.

"If you love me, let me go  
If you love me, let me go  
Cause these words are knives and often leave scars  
The fear of falling apart  
Truth be told, I never was yours  
The fear, the fear of falling apart"

Taeil remembered the first time he met Sicheng. He was a senior in college, the younger boy was a freshman. Midterms had gone well, and he had decided to go to a party up the street to celebrate. Johnny and Yuta's was always the place to go to have a good time, so when Taeil arrived, he wasn't surprised to find the yard destroyed, and the house at maximum capacity.

"Moon Moon! You came!"

Taeil had about half a second to prepare for the weight of Johnny's body crushing him in a hug. They had dated for a few months their sophomore year, realizing pretty quick that they were better off as friends. Taeil was grateful that they had managed to navigate the murky "I've been inside you" waters and form a strong friendship. He supposed Johnny being absolutely smitten with Yuta for the past year and a half had helped immensely.

"Johnny. Can't breathe. Let go."

"SORRY! Don't tell Yuta, but I might be a bit drunk."

Taeil laughed, reaching up to ruffle Johnny's hair.

"Beer?"

"In the kitchen. Want me to grab you one?"

"Nah, I got it. I'll see you around."

Six days out of seven, Taeil wished he'd never set foot in that kitchen. Six days out of seven, he wished he'd let Johnny fetch him that beer. It's funny how life is determined by all these minor details. Not a day passed by that he didn't wonder how different his life would have been, had he just not walked into that fucking kitchen.

A blond boy, couldn't have been older than 19, was leaning against the kitchen counter. Cigarette in one hand, vodka bottle in the other. Laughing with Yuta about something he couldn't quite hear. Then, Yuta's signature squawk.

"MOON TAEIL!"

Taeil smiled, walking over to the pair. It could have been awkward between Yuta and him, but it never had been. Taeil was happy that Johnny was happy, and Yuta was happy that Johnny had such a good friend. They weren't terribly close, but they shared a fondness for each other that anyone could see.

"Taeil, this is Sicheng. Foreign exchange student we're sponsoring this semester. He's a business major like you."

Sicheng popped the cigarette into his mouth, pulling a long drag as he extended his hand for Taeil to shake. Taeil took his hand, feeling static crackle across his skin.

"Sicheng. Good to meet you."

Sicheng exhaled out his nose. "Likewise."

"Maybe you could talk about classes. Professors he should avoid, that kind of thing?"

The blond boy shook his head.

"Not tonight. No school talk tonight. I'm over it."

"Midterms not go well?"

"Oh, no. They went fine. I didn't even need to study for most of them. There's just more to life than books and profit margins and essays on how millennials are killing every industry."

"Sicheng is cynical. It's why I like him."

"I'm not cynical. I just don't think any of this ultimately matters in the grand scheme of things."

"Yeah. Cynical."

Sicheng blew smoke in Yuta's face. Taeil thought it was rude, but he had to admit, he was intrigued by the younger boy.

"Here for a beer? Or do you want something harder?"

Taeil looked up into Sicheng's eyes, the question not quite registering in his mind. At least, not until Sicheng winked at him. Taeil faltered, his words getting caught in his throat.

"Beer for Taeil. He's a lightweight. Anything stronger, and he'll be passed out on the couch before the sun goes down."

Taeil shot Yuta a glare, which only made Yuta laugh harder. He couldn't argue. He didn't handle alcohol well. Or any substance for that matter. Nyquil knocked him on his ass in minutes.

Sicheng opened the fridge, grabbing a beer and handing it to the elder boy.

"Well, I'm gonna find my man peach. See you kids later."

Taeil waved as Yuta bounded out of the room.

"Need help opening that?"

Taeil looked down. His beer wasn't a twist off cap. He didn't have an opener. Shit. He nodded at Sicheng. The younger boy flipped his shirt up, pointing at his belt buckle. It had an opener on it.

"Don't be shy. Crack it open, Taeil."

~

He should have known. He should have known better. He should have walked away after opening his beer. But he didn't. He couldn't. Even if he wanted to. Taeil had been tied to Sicheng for years now. He just wished the rope wasn't around his neck.

~

They had spent the rest of the night talking. How America was different from China. What hobbies they had in common. Where they were planning on spending their winter holidays. Conversation flowed freely, like they had known each other for a couple years, instead of a couple hours.

"Want a cigarette?"

"Nah. Smoking gives me the spins. I'll just take the last drag of yours when you're done."

Sicheng smiled.

"Can't handle nicotine either?"

"Afraid not."

"I really like you, Taeil. You're pure. I haven't met anyone pure in a very long time."

Taeil flushed. Most people made fun of him for being 22 and a bad drinker. In the old days, he would have been called a square. He was a parent's dream: straight A's, involved in numerous clubs, had multiple job offers lined up after graduation, didn't party. But the way Sicheng worded it, it made him feel good. That the way he was and the choices he made were something to be cherished.

"Maybe you're just not hanging out with the right kind of people."

Sicheng gave a wry chuckle, nodding his head.

"Yeah. You could say that."

"Well, that doesn't make you a bad person. I think you're a good guy."

"Oh, Taeil. How I wish that were true."

Just then, Sicheng's nose started to bleed. The younger boy swore, tilting his head back. Taeil ran back into the kitchen, grabbing an entire roll of paper towels.

"I don't know what you need. I've never gotten a nose bleed my whole life."

"I get them all the time. No worries. It'll pass."

Sicheng shoved a crumpled up paper towel into his right nostril. He cocked his head back, looking up at Taeil, who stood over him, slightly panicked.

"Taeil. I'm fine. Honestly. Pop a squat."

The elder boy couldn't take it, reaching down and grabbing the younger boy's hand, pulling him to his feet.

"Come on. Let's get you to the bathroom."

Sicheng allowed Taeil to drag him through the house, up the stairs, into the bathroom that connected to Johnny's bedroom. There was a couple making out against the sink. One look from Taeil had them vacating the tiny space immediately.

"Wow. I didn't know you had it in you."

"I can be tough when I need to."

Taeil set Sicheng on the sink. He pulled the paper towel out of Sicheng's nose as gently as possible. It appeared that the bleeding had stopped. There was a trail of blood down to his top lip, and a little on his right cheek. Taeil grabbed a wash cloth from the cabinet, ran it under warm water, and began to dab at the younger boy's face.

"You don't have to do this, Taeil."

"I want to."

As he removed the blood from above Sicheng's mouth, Taeil felt compelled to touch his lips. He ran a thumb over Sicheng's bottom lip. Sicheng closed his eyes, sighing at the sensation. When he opened his eyes, he had found Taeil had crowded closer, standing between his open legs, face a breath away from his own.

"Taeil. Don't. I'll destroy you."

"I'd like to see you try."

Taeil lived to regret those words.

~

Taeil had pressed the softest kiss to Sicheng's lips, fearing any real force would make his nose start bleeding again. Sicheng whimpered into the kiss, wrapping his arms and legs around Taeil's body. Neither of them tried to deepen it, content with cautious pecks, gentle and feather light.

"Taeil. I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"This. It's too intimate."

Taeil was, admittedly, very confused. Sicheng had been more than suggestive when they were in the kitchen. Winking, tiny touches, sitting and standing way too close.

"But I thought...you weren't flirting with me?"

"I was. Definitely. I wanted to find a room and make use of it. But that's not what we're doing here. That I could do. This? I can't."

"So sleeping with me is fine, but kissing is too close? I'm going to need you to explain that to me."

Sicheng pushed Taeil away from him, pulling his legs up to his chest. He was putting his walls up. It was better this way. Easier.

"I don't owe you any explanation. We don't know each other. I've told you what you need to know. That's it."

Taeil flinched. There was a hardness in Sicheng's face that scared him, his delicate features turning to ice, a rigidity in his posture that made him menacing.

"You're right. We don't know each other. But I would like to get to know you, Sicheng. I'm curious about you. I have been the whole night."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Is that what you're afraid of? Hurting me somehow? Because I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I get it. I'm squeaky clean. I don't have much by way of life experience. I've only kissed two people my entire life. One is downstairs, and the other is sitting in front of me. But I liked kissing you. I would like to do it again, if you'll let me."

A single tear rolled down Sicheng's left cheek. He couldn't do this. He couldn't subject someone as lovely as Taeil to the torment of being close to him. Taeil was good and light and the most unjaded person he had ever met. And while his heart begged to let Taeil try, his brain told him that he couldn't. That he didn't deserve Taeil. He was trash, had always been trash, would always be trash.

"Taeil. I'm poison. I will bleed you dry. You will be a husk of the person you once were. I cannot allow you to do this. I shouldn't have interacted with you at all."

Sicheng hopped down from the sink, arm reaching for the door. He was almost through it when he felt a tug on his wrist.

"Let me go, Taeil."

It wasn't the last time Sicheng would utter those words to Taeil, but it was the only time he didn't yell them at him.

~

Taeil had dropped Sicheng's wrist immediately. Sicheng had walked out of Johnny's bedroom without a backwards glance. Taeil looked at himself in the mirror. He looked tired. Battered. He decided to go home.

On his way out, he saw Sicheng sitting in someone's lap, giant hands on his hips holding him in place as the man bit into Sicheng's collarbone. Taeil pretended it didn't hurt.

~

Taeil awoke the next morning with his heart beating against his skull. Three beers was apparently too many. He rolled back over, throwing the sheets over his head, doing what he could to block out the sunlight. He was too young to be this hungover.

He groped around, blindly, for his phone. Not on the bedside table. Not wrapped up in his sheets. Shit. Must still be in his jeans pocket.

"It'll have to wait, then."

His voice was scratchy, like every drop of moisture had been leeched from his mouth. He was thirsty. Painfully so. Taeil groaned, not wanting to be vertical for even a second, but not having much choice. He needed water, desperately.

Taeil flung the covers off himself, groaning as sunlight from the window met his face. Today was going to be awful. He could feel it. He slowly padded his way into the bathroom, flicking the water on in the sink, and doing his best to shove his entire face underneath the stream. The water felt amazing across his skin, and even better as he gulped it down. Cupping his hands under the spray, he gathered enough to splash over his face, wetting his hair, and slicking his bangs back. Not 100% healed, but better.

Taeil drip-dried as he walked back into his bedroom, intent on finding his phone. It was probably dead, but he wanted to at least know where it was. Not in his jeans pocket. Not on his dresser. Where else could it be? What had he done when he got home?

After retracing his steps, Taeil finally found it in the cupboard, inside the bag of his favorite chips. Jesus. How spaced out was he last night? More than he had initially thought, apparently.

3%. Enough to get back up to his room to charge. Plugging in his phone, he flicked through his notifications. He'd been tagged in 8 different Instagram posts, had 6 Snapchats from Yuta, a good morning text from his mother, and one new voicemail. He quickly texted his mother back before checking the voicemail.

"Moon Moon! Are you alive this morning? If you are, we're getting brunch at that cute cafe across from your apartment at 10:30. Hope to see you soon!"

Johnny. At 6am. Which meant he either hadn't slept at all, or was a fucking maniac. Perhaps both. Taeil checked the time. Just past 10. Just enough time to shower.

~

Taeil had gotten there first, grabbing an outside table so they could enjoy the autumn air. It was a little crisp, but they didn't have too many days like this left, before winter would roll in, and the air would hurt their faces.

Johnny walked backward, in front, talking to the people behind him. Taeil couldn't quite see who was with him, but he hoped he'd gotten a big enough table.

As Johnny turned around, Taeil's heart dropped into his stomach. Johnny had Yuta, Sicheng, and the boy with the giant hands in tow.

"Morning!"

"How can you possibly be this cheerful, this early? I know you drank more than I did, and I feel like ass."

"I'm younger than you, old man."

"By eight months! You act like I'm eight years older!"

Yuta laughed, running up to Taeil and giving him a back hug as he sat, sulking.

"We love you, Grandpa!"

Taeil gave a half-hearted shrug, effectively removing himself from Yuta's hold. He made brief eye contact with Sicheng, giving him a curt nod as the blond boy sat down across from him.

"Hi. I don't think we've met. Yukhei."

Taeil reached across the table to shake hands with Yukhei. He felt like a child next to the stranger.

"Good to meet you."

"Yeah. How did you find yourself with these messy guys?"

Johnny scowled. Yukhei chuckled.

"Oh, I'm here to keep an eye on Sicheng. Johnny and Yuta are nice enough to feed me every once in a while."

Taeil nodded, not knowing how to respond. Yukhei certainly had more than an eye on Sicheng last night. He felt his skin crawl, wondering just what their relationship really was. It couldn't mean much, if Sicheng was flirting with him the whole night. Or maybe that's why he left. Because he was in a relationship. But Sicheng wanted to have sex? Taeil didn't know what to think.

"So you're from China, too?"

"Hong Kong."

"Oh, I see. Did you know Sicheng before coming here?"

"No. We met in an Economics class."

"What do you guys want? I'm buying."

Everyone rattled off their orders, but when it came down to Sicheng, he didn't want anything. Yuta tried to talk him into a chocolate chip muffin, but the blond was adamant. Taeil saw Yukhei bristle a bit, but thought it best to ignore it.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom."

Sicheng got up from the table and walked inside, following behind Johnny as he made his way to the counter to order. A few minutes went by, and Taeil could no longer take the slightly awkward silence.

"I'm gonna go wash my hands, and then help Johnny carry our stuff out."

Yukhei and Yuta both nodded at him, conversation turning to a recent soccer match, and Taeil headed to the bathroom. As he pushed through the door, he saw Sicheng launch himself away from the counter.

"I thought I'd locked the door."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. None of your business."

Taeil approached the sinks. There were three skinny lines of some white powder on the countertop. Taeil whirled around to Sicheng.

"You're on coke?"

"Not currently, since you so rudely interrupted me."

"What the fuck are you thinking? We're in public! Does anybody else know?"

Sicheng shrugged.

"Yukhei does. He doesn't care. Johnny and Yuta have no idea. I'd like to keep it that way, if you don't mind."

"They have a right to know that you bring drugs into their house!"

"Oh, there you are. There's the Taeil I've been waiting for. You gonna call the cops?"

"Who are you? You're not the Sicheng I met last night."

"No. The Sicheng you met last night was unmedicated and drunk. Which is probably the closest to the real Sicheng you'll ever see. This is unmedicated and severely irritated Sicheng. My default setting when I'm not high. It's grating to me to be this irritated in the morning, so if you'd leave, I can upgrade to only slightly agitated."

Taeil didn't move.

"Fine. You can watch me, then."

Sicheng moved to run his nose along the countertop. He didn't get there fast enough. Taeil took his hand and swiped the lines onto the floor, the tiny flecks of powder getting lost in the grout of the tile.

"You insufferable bastard. That was $300 worth."

"Coke is an expensive habit. I would think you'd be more careful about it."

Sicheng lunged forward, grabbing Taeil by the shoulders.

"You ever do that again, or tell anyone what happened in here, and I will beat the shit out of you."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

Sicheng backhanded Taeil across the face. Not enough to bruise, but enough to send a message.

"If that's not enough proof, believe me, you don't want me getting Yukhei involved."

"Your boyfriend doesn't scare me."

"He's not my boyfriend. He's a client."

A client? What the hell did that mean?

"Yukhei is your dealer?"

"No. God. You really are naive, aren't you?"

Taeil clenched his hands into fists. He didn't like being made out to be some child that didn't know how the world works.

"Yukhei is a client. I give him what he wants, and he gets me what I want. It's that simple."

Taeil furrowed his eyebrows.

"You sell yourself for drugs?"

"As you said, 'coke is an expensive habit.' It's really not as despicable as you make it sound. Yukhei and I have a symbiotic relationship. He gets off, I get high. Nothing serious."

Taeil leaned against the sink, his legs no longer able to hold his own weight. It didn't make sense. Sicheng was intelligent, beautiful, young. How could he be an addict? How could he be a prostitute?"

"So what was I? Just another person to get you drugs?"

"Of course not. You wouldn't know where to go to find them if I drew you a map. I liked you. You were sweet. Sweeter than most. I almost forgot for a minute what I am when I was with you. You know, nobody has kissed me since sophomore year of high school. Nobody has bothered to take the time. That's what snapped me back to reality."

"It doesn't have to be this way, Sicheng."

"You can't save me, Taeil. I never was yours to save, and I never will be."

Taeil felt as if Sicheng had punched him in the stomach, all the air leaving his lungs. Sicheng ran out of the bathroom, fear rising up in his chest. He couldn't afford to fall apart.


	2. Miss Jackson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. Chapter 2. Let's get it. As always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. Hope you enjoy.

"But back away from the water, babe  
You might drown  
The party isn't over tonight  
Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?  
Out the back door  
God damn  
But I love her anyway"

Taeil waited a beat, threw some cold water on his face, and walked back out into the cafe to find Johnny already gone. He headed back to their table, trying to look less shaken than he felt.

"What happened to you?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"Sicheng helped Johnny, which was supposed to be your job."

Taeil shrugged, relieved.

"Oh, needed the bathroom. I'm too old to party."

Everyone seemed appeased by his answer, and he settled back into his seat next to Yuta. Sicheng was staring at him, daring him to say anything about what had just occurred in the bathroom. As badly as he wanted to speak up, for the honor of his friendship with Johnny and Yuta, he just couldn't bring himself to tell them. And anyway, if Sicheng was as careless in their house as he was in public, they would probably find out on their own soon enough.

Taeil picked at his blueberry muffin, avoiding eye contact with everyone. He was miserable. Yukhei had taken to breaking tiny bits of his banana bread off, hand feeding it to Sicheng, like they were in love. It was vile to watch the way Sicheng would look at Yukhei, eyes all fluttery as his lips closed around Yukhei's long fingers. An anger he wasn't sure he was justified in feeling bubbled in his stomach as he glanced at Yukhei, who had his eyes fixed on Sicheng's lips, his tongue darting out to wet his own.

This was impossible.

"Hey, guys. I'm not feeling too hot. I'm gonna head home. I'll see you around."

"Moon Moon! You can't go! I paid for that muffin. You have to eat it!"

"I'll take it home. My head is killing me. I'm sorry."

Johnny stood and walked over to the older boy. Wrapping him in a hug, he promised to check in on him later that evening. Taeil smiled into Johnny's shoulder. The younger boy had too big of a heart. That's why Sicheng was able to manipulate this situation so well. Johnny was too naive to suspect anything. As was he.

"Hope to see you again soon, Taeil."

Taeil broke out of Johnny's hold, not expecting to hear a goodbye out of Sicheng.

"Yeah, me too."

He waved at the group, turned, and headed home.

~

Taeil was grateful for his one business class that hadn't had a midterm. His grade for it was determined by a semester long project, a history and stock market analysis of a company of his choice, all to be presented the week of finals. He threw himself into the assignment, learning everything about the Coca-Cola Company, since, well, they used to put cocaine in their soft drinks.

The weekend flew by, as did the following weeks. Taeil felt confident in his project, was sure he'd receive top marks for his presentation. He was practicing his speech, a timer set on the microwave, stuffed animals as his audience, when he heard someone knocking at his door.

Assuming it was Johnny or Yuta, he didn't bother looking through the peephole. He almost slammed the door shut when he saw who was standing in the hallway.

"Sicheng, how did you know where I live?"

"I knew what building you were in. I've been knocking on doors for twenty minutes. Somebody finally recognized your name and sent me up here. So here I am."

"Okay. But...why?"

"Can I come in?"

Taeil stepped aside, allowing the younger boy to move into the apartment. The timer on the microwave went off, and Taeil walked to the kitchen to silence it. When he returned, he found Sicheng curled up on his couch, huddled under a blanket.

"Okay. So...what are you doing here?"

Sicheng avoided Taeil's gaze as he began to speak.

"You know how I told you not to say anything to Johnny and Yuta? Well, you didn't need to. Yuta borrowed a jacket of mine and found a baggie. They kicked me out two weeks ago. I've been...staying with clients, mostly Yukhei, but that's making things messy. I think he might actually have feelings for me. So, I can't stay there anymore. And well, I was-- Taeil, I was hoping that you would be kind enough to let me sleep on your couch."

"Really? And what made you think that I would let you stay when Johnny and Yuta wouldn't? They're sweeter than I am."

"I'm not trying to manipulate you, Taeil. But I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't know what to do. I can't go back to China like this."

Sicheng finally looked up. Tears streamed down his cheeks, snot collecting under his nose. He looked a mess. Taeil stood firm.

"You can't do drugs here. You can't have them on your person here. And I don't trust your word, Sicheng. I don't trust that you won't lie."

"I know. There's no reason in the world you should help me, Taeil. There's nothing for you to gain, and everything for you to lose. I know that. And I can't promise you that I won't screw it all up. Because that's what I do. I ruin everything. But I want to try. Please, Taeil. I can't go home."

"Why not? Maybe that would be good for you."

Sicheng curled in on himself, pressing his kneecaps into his eyes, trying to stop the tears with no success. He wiped his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie, gulping down a sob as he spoke.

"I can't. The shame of what I've been doing here is enough, but it's so much more than that. My parents kicked me out, when they found out I like boys. They thought I was possessed by a demon. No son of theirs could be like this. I came here because I couldn't be myself in China. For the first time, I had access to psychiatry. Doctors that understood how I felt, had tools to help me cope. Taeil, I can't lose that. I won't survive.

Taeil looked at the broken boy on his couch. He knew mental health was largely ignored, and in most cases, criminalized, in much of Asia.

"Is this what you meant by 'medicated'?"

"Yeah. I'm on tricyclics. Nothing else seems to work."

Taeil sat down on the floor. So much about this didn't make sense. He didn't know what to say. Or what to do. It was stupid to trust Sicheng. They both knew that. But he wasn't sure that turning the younger boy away was a good thing, either. He couldn't shake this feeling of responsibility that he had for Sicheng.

"If. And it's a huge if, let's be clear about that right now. If I let you stay, there will be several ground rules. And I can add to them at any time. You will agree to all of them, no questions asked. There will be no forgiveness if you break any of these rules. You will be out on your ass immediately. And I can rescind my offer anytime."

"Of course."

"Okay. 1. You will submit to drug tests whenever I decide. If that's every day, multiple times in a day, you do it. 2. You will take your medicine in front of me as directed on your prescription. You will not cheek it. I'm allowed to check your mouth. 3. You will stop this prostitution business immediately. Your old clients are not to know where to find you. 4. You will keep up with your assignments. You will show me your final grades as proof. 5. You will get a normal job, and help with the rent, groceries, utilities, etc."

"Is that all?"

"No. 6. You will apologize, profusely, to Johnny and Yuta. You will do everything in your power to make amends and regain their trust. I am putting my relationship with them in a precarious situation by even entertaining the idea of allowing you to stay. Their friendship is one of the most important things in my life. I will NOT allow you to soil that."

"Anything else?"

"Not at the current moment."

"May I make a suggestion?"

Taeil nodded.

"I have to pee in front of you."

"What?"

"You need to watch me pee, Taeil. It would be so easy for me to get clean urine. You need to see it's mine."

Taeil cleared his throat.

"Okay. Yes. I will supervise your sample submission. Thank you. Do you agree to these terms?"

"I don't have much choice here, do I?"

"Not if you want to stay here, no. No, you certainly don't."

Sicheng nodded to himself, teeth biting at the skin of his bottom lip.

"Write up a contract. I will sign and date it."

Sicheng got up off the couch, and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll be back when I can pass a piss test."

He slammed the door shut behind him.

~

Taeil didn't see or hear from Sicheng for five days. He figured the younger boy was out having one last binge before giving it all up. Although it made him angry, he hadn't made it a stipulation of their agreement, and therefore, couldn't do much about it. He did plan to berate Sicheng about it if and when he showed back up.

Taeil had just stepped out of the shower when he heard insistent knocking on the door. He dressed quickly, running into the living room to see who it was. Looking through the peephole, he saw blond hair, and knew immediately. He unlocked the door, swinging it wide.

"Do you have the test kits? I have to pee so bad. Let's go."

"You're not trying to dilute your urine by over hydrating, are you?"

"No. I've been in class since lunch and haven't had time to go. Please, Taeil. Hurry."

The elder boy nodded, leading the younger boy to the bathroom. He handed him a cup, leaning against the counter as he waited. Sicheng quickly undid his belt, his jeans button, and zipper, shaking his ass so his jeans fell to the floor. He hooked his thumbs through the waistband of his boxers, and slid them down, grabbing his dick in his right hand, and immediately pissing into the cup.

Taeil flinched, not expecting Sicheng to just...go for it. He thought the younger boy would at least have some modesty.

"Taeil! Take the cup."

Taeil took the cup, watching Sicheng duck walk over to the toilet to finish emptying his bladder.

"You filled the cup. How...?"

"I told you. It's been 8 hours since I peed. I've been mainlining Mountain Dew to make up for the lack of cocaine."

"Well, alright. But for future reference, I only need about 20 drops of pee for this to work."

"Duly noted."

Taeil opened the cabinet under the sink. He had paid a friend who worked in a laboratory to order an extra box of drug test kits so he could have one. He had 48 cartridges now. He was hoping he wouldn't need that many.

Taeil broke the seal on the package, pulling the cardboard cover away from the applicator. He dipped the applicator into the cup, waiting until he saw the fluid begin to move across the test strip.

"Set a timer for 5 minutes."

Sicheng pulled his phone out and set the timer.

"Why are there lines all the way across?"

"Control lines. Just means you can trust the results."

Sicheng nodded, doing up his jeans and belt.

"Lots of things you can test for. I've never seen a drug test like that before."

"It's medical grade. Tests for all sorts of things that employer's wouldn't even think to test for. To make sure that nothing interacts with treatment, I suppose."

"Oh."

The two stood in silence, watching the time click down on Sicheng's phone, neither of them wanting to look at the test on the sink in front of them. It was easily the longest five minutes of their lives. When the timer finally beeped, Taeil examined the cartridge.

"Well, you've failed."

"What? There's no way. I haven't used since before I came to talk to you."

Taeil showed Sicheng the test.

"You failed because you're not taking your tricyclics."

"What? I don't understand."

Taeil took the test back from Sicheng. He pointed to the last lane of the cartridge.

"There would be a line here, under TCA, if you were taking your medicine. No line means you're unmedicated. That's why I got medical grade drug kits. It's not just to check that you're not on cocaine. It's to make sure you're not skipping doses."

Sicheng's face hardened. He grabbed the test from Taeil, throwing it in the garbage bin.

"I haven't been taking them because it's dangerous while I was using. I wanted to make sure I was clean before I started back up again. I got a new prescription. The paperwork is in my bag. So are my tax forms for my new job."

Taeil was surprised. He had figured the younger boy had been out on a bender, but he hadn't been. Sicheng had been making good use of his time. He smiled.

"Hey. Look at me. I'm not kicking you out over this. You haven't even signed the contract yet. I'm just glad there's not a line under the cocaine section. I thought you had left to go get annihilated one last time."

"Oh, I had every intention when I walked out of your apartment to do just that. But as I cut it up into lines, I realized it didn't feel right. The thrill of it was gone. I let some girl take the lines I had laid out, and flushed the rest of it. And then promptly ran out and cried."

"Were you high when you came over?"

"Yeah. School level high. Enough to take the edge off, but not enough to be noticeable. I want you to know that I didn't have anything on me when I came in, though. I hid my stash under your neighbor's welcome mat while we talked."

"Well. That's. Okay. Thank you."

"I want to be better. I want to prove to you that I can do this. To Johnny and Yuta, too."

Taeil couldn't help himself. He reached a hand out to Sicheng's face, cupping his cheek in his right hand.

"Don't do this for me. Or for anyone else, Sicheng. Do it for yourself."

~

"Alright. I did some research. Tricyclics apparently don't kick your ass as much if you take them at night before bedtime. So let's get you some food, get you settled, and then we'll get you a big glass of water so you can take your medicine."

Sicheng pouted. He didn't like feeling like a helpless child, but he knew better than to argue. Taeil was bending over backwards for him right now; he had no room for backtalk.

Taeil placed the carton of ramen in front of the younger boy.

"I know it isn't much, but it's about all I've got right now. I've needed to get groceries for ages, but I've just been so consumed in this project and studying and work that I just can't be bothered."

Sicheng smiled at the older boy, then took a big slurp of the noodles. Ah, salty bliss.

"Well, I can help now. My morning classes got cancelled for tomorrow, so I can go shopping if you cut me a list."

Taeil nodded. He watched the younger boy tuck into his bowl of ramen. Sicheng ate like his life depended on it: speed and little finesse.

"You're not used to eating, are you?"

Sicheng shook his head.

"No. Between the cigarettes and the coke, I very rarely felt hungry. The tricyclics can make you gain weight, which is probably another reason why I'm inconsistent with taking them. They can also kill your dick, which was bad for business."

Taeil looked away, pulling apart a napkin in his lap. He knew they would eventually talk about this. That they should have this conversation. But the way Sicheng spoke about it, so matter of fact, no emotion, just...broke something inside Taeil.

"Did you speak to Yukhei?"

"I didn't have much choice. He's in two of my classes. I told him I was taking a break. That I needed to make some changes. That we couldn't continue on as we were. I think he thought I meant that we were going to try to be together for real. He looked pretty crushed when I told him it was over."

"He fell for you. I can understand why."

"Taeil. Please. Don't. I can't. Not now. Maybe...maybe someday. But not now. I--"

"I'm sorry. You're right. This is a critical time for you. You need to be selfish and get yourself sorted. There's no room for anything else."

Sicheng nodded, his gaze cast downward. Oh, this was way too hard.

"Let's call it a night. I'm tired. Wanna watch me pop some pills?"

~

Taeil sat on the arm of the couch. Sicheng was settling in, a blanket tucked around him on all sides, the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up over his head. The older boy had a glass of water and two teal pills in his hands. He offered both to the younger boy, who grumpily removed his hands from his cocoon.

"It's cold in here."

"The heat is set to 72. Hardly cold. You're still in withdrawal. If you're still cold in 2 weeks, you can set the heat at whatever temperature you like, but the utility bill is yours to pay all winter."

"Deal."

Sicheng placed both pills on his tongue, took a big swig of water, and swallowed.

"Check me."

Taeil walked over, taking the glass from Sicheng. He hadn't spit the pills into the cup. Good sign. Sicheng opened his mouth. Nothing on or under his tongue.

"I'm sorry. I don't know how else to do this."

Taeil stuck a finger in Sicheng's mouth, giving the insides of his cheeks a sweep, making sure Sicheng hadn't tucked the pills up in his gums. This was awful. He hated that he didn't trust the younger boy.

"All clear?"

"All clear. We'll know for sure the next time we do a test."

Sicheng nodded. He was grateful that Taeil was taking this as seriously as he was. Most people trusted him blindly. He assumed it was because he didn't look like he could be a bad guy. Taeil knew better, and while it didn't feel good, it was a relief in a lot of ways. The older boy was holding him accountable, so he had no choice but to clean up his act.

"Good night, Sicheng."

"Good night, Taeil."


	3. Vegas Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: minor character death (mayhaps I wept)

"And we're all not here for nothing  
And we're bored with looking good  
We gotta be starting something  
Would you change it if you could?"

"I cannot believe you're letting him stay with you."

Johnny and Yuta had been less than thrilled to find the younger boy asleep on Taeil's couch three weeks later when they broke into his apartment to decorate it for Christmas. No words had been exchanged until the blond boy had woken up and immediately left upon seeing the two men.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Oh, I don't know. You're taking the news so well."

Johnny and Yuta glanced at each other before Yuta continued.

"We know you like him, Taeil. I saw it the second you walked into the kitchen. We liked him immediately, too. He's just one of those people. Instantly charming. Pretty. You want to be around him because there's something mysterious about him. Well, we solved the mystery, Taeil. He's a coke head. Get rid of him."

Taeil scoffed, shaking his head. He understood their anger. He really did. Had Sicheng been busted at their home, their lives and futures could have been flushed down the toilet for something that they weren't even aware of. But he still felt anger flare in his chest. And he didn't know how to hold it back.

"You think I don't know what I'm doing? We have a contract. I have proof he's clean. Until he fucks up, I'm giving him a chance. I've never been blind to what he is."

Johnny's eyebrows furrowed together.

"Wait. You knew. You knew before we did. And you didn't say anything? What the actual fuck, Taeil?"

"I knew it wouldn't take him long to screw up. He was so obvious about it. You never suspected anything? Noticed a change in him? Especially if Yukhei was around?"

"Are you seriously blaming us? He's young, but he's an adult. This is all on him. And on you. We could have gone to jail. If Yuta hadn't checked the pockets of that jacket... And what about Yukhei? He's a good kid."

"Yukhei is not a good kid. And yes, I should have told you. But Sicheng threatened me, and while I like to think I have my shit together, I didn't really feel like getting involved with anyone else in that world. I'm sure he knows some people that could hurt any of us."

Yuta threw his hands up in the air.

"Yet another reason to kick him out! You want to wait around for him to turn on you? Knock you out, rob you blind, and get back to his habit? Taeil, we are scared for you!"

Pain flared in the same part of Taeil's chest that had previously held anger. Yuta rarely showed deep emotion to anyone. Not even Johnny. Johnny enveloped Yuta in his arms, the younger boy sniffling into his chest. Johnny made eye contact with Taeil over Yuta's head. He was crying, too.

"We don't want anything bad to happen to you. You have a big heart. We love that about you, but... Be careful, okay?"

"Give him a chance to win back your trust. I know it's difficult to forgive him, to understand how he could do what he's done. But he's trying really hard. Part of the agreement is that he has to make things right with the two of you. Please. Don't fight him on it."

Johnny sighed, then kissed the top of Yuta's head.

"Come on, baby. Let's go home."

"We haven't even decorated yet."

"Taeil has help. We'll leave them to it."

The couple headed toward the door, Taeil waving at their backs. They didn't turn around. He pretended not to notice.

~

Sicheng came back late that afternoon. Taeil found him on the other side of the front door, looking sheepish.

"Hi."

"Where have you been? I haven't heard from you all day! I've been calling and texting!"

"Well, I'll be sure to respond once I actually have my phone on me."

Taeil stepped aside to allow the younger man into the apartment. He was confused.

"I bolted this morning when I saw them. Didn't grab my phone. Or my keys. I've been wandering the streets in my pajamas and slippers all day."

Taeil looked at Sicheng. Sure enough. Matching flannel top and bottoms, and bunny slippers. He chuckled to himself.

"You could have at least put on a jacket. Or actual shoes, you know?"

Sicheng smiled back.

"I would have had to stop to put on socks. Didn't seem worth it. I see now that I may have made an error."

Sicheng lifted his bunny slippers off the floor. He had worn holes through the bottoms of them. Leaning back on the sofa, he lifted his feet in the air. Angry sores covered the balls of his feet.

"Come with me. We need to clean you up."

Sicheng nodded, hobbling behind Taeil as they headed for the bathroom.

Taeil sat Sicheng down on the lip of the tub. He turned the faucet to a gentle stream, testing the temperature with his hand. When he was satisfied, he motioned for Sicheng to scoot forward, letting the water run over his feet.

"Hurts, huh?"

"It's okay. Seemed like a better option than letting one or both of them hit me."

"They wouldn't have hit you. I think they're more angry with me than they are with you. I can understand why."

Sicheng winced. Taeil wasn't sure if it was because of his feet, or because of their conversation. Either way, it made him reach out for the younger man's hand. Sicheng hesitated a moment before allowing Taeil to hold his hand.

"I think I can take it from here, Taeil. Thank you. For everything. I promise I'll find a way to make it up to all of you. Some day. I promise."

Taeil stood up, giving Sicheng's hand a final squeeze.

"I know you will. I know."

~

Taeil paced the living room while Sicheng finished up in the bathroom. He hated that his brain was running wild with thoughts of how the blond had spent his day. It left a knot in his stomach that he still didn't trust Sicheng when he had too much time to himself.

Sicheng entered the living room slowly, having been watching Taeil pace for the last ten minutes from the hallway. He sighed.

"You only need a few drops, right?"

"What?"

"I'll give you some peace of mind. Come on. Test time."

Taeil flushed. He didn't mean to be so obvious. Nodding, he followed Sicheng back into the bathroom. Taeil sat down at the sink as the younger boy peed into a cup, his feet dangling just above the floor.

"I'm sorry, Sicheng."

"You don't need to be. I wouldn't trust me, either."

Five minutes later, the two men left the bathroom, negatives across the board, except for the one positive line that was supposed to be there. Sicheng hadn't used, and he had taken his tricyclics the night before.

"What were they here so early for?"

"Oh. We decorate my living room for Christmas every year. It's tradition."

Sicheng's face fell. He had already screwed up so much for Taeil, and now this. Ruining plans between friends that had gone on for years. He didn't deserve the older man's kindness. Not by any stretch.

"What to help me decorate? I don't have the best eye for it. Yuta won't even let me put ornaments on the tree. Says that I don't spread them out evenly. That I clump similar ones together."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. Come on."

Taeil opened the closet next to the front door. Up on tiptoes, he could just manage to grab hold of the tub of Christmas decorations stored on the top shelf. Sicheng limped over, taking the tub from Taeil's grasp, before he hurt himself.

"Easy. You're going to drop it on your head."

Taeil let go, stepping aside to allow Sicheng a better grip on the tub. The younger boy carried it into the living room, before plopping down onto the floor in front of it. He popped the lid open, eyes going wide as he took in the contents. Snow globes. At least twenty of them. All different scenes. Children having a snowball fight. Carolers singing. A nativity scene. Sicheng picked one up, tipping it upside down, letting the snowflakes fall.

"Here. This one is my favorite."

Taeil grabbed a medium sized snow globe, trading it for the one in Sicheng's hand. The blond giggled. It was Beauty and the Beast. Belle was helping Beast to ice skate.

"It plays music. Flip it over. There's a key on the bottom."

Sicheng did as he was told, giving the key a few turns. "Tale as Old as Time" began playing. A small smile tugged at Sicheng's lips.

"I used to watch this movie with my mother everyday when I was a little boy. She loved it. The opening scene with the forest and all the stained glass. It's my favorite Disney movie of all time."

"Mine too."

"Why do you have so many snow globes?"

"I don't know. I just love them. They're so simple. Pretty. And they always get to start over."

"What do you mean?"

"When the snow has all fallen, when the song ends. You can always shake it back up. Give the key another turn. It's comforting in a way."

Sicheng nodded. That he could understand.

"Well, let's get started."

~

The two men spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening decorating the tiny apartment. Setting up a few small, artificial trees. Hanging lights across them and around the windows. Putting snow globes here and there. Lining everywhere with tinsel.

Taeil ran to his bedroom, grabbing another box from his closet. This one had all the ornaments for the trees in it.

"My mother got us an ornament every year for Christmas, so that when we eventually left the house, we wouldn't have bare trees."

"That's really sweet."

"Most of mine are cartoon related. I think I have just about every Grinch ornament ever made."

Sicheng laughed. He couldn't imagine how Taeil could ever relate to the grumpy, green character. He was so pleasant.

"What's so funny?"

"You. A Grinch."

"I actually despise Christmas. My least favorite holiday of the entire year. I think it's pointless. All mindless greed. I'd take two Halloweens any day over Christmas."

"I wish I enjoyed Halloween more than I do. I resent it. Always takes the shine away from my birthday. I cannot believe you hate Christmas, though. Look at all your decorations."

"These decorations wouldn't see the light of day if not for Johnny and Yuta. And now you. I try to pretend the day doesn't exist."

"I don't like Christmas, either. I only helped because I thought you loved it."

It was Taeil's turn to laugh. He began hanging snowflakes and icicles from the nearest tree. May as well decorate them, since they were already up. Sicheng followed behind him, rearranging some of the ornaments as he began to hang up candy canes.

"Yuta's right. You can't decorate trees for shit."

"What?"

"You can't hang five snowflakes next to each other. Spread em out. Share the wealth."

"What does it matter?"

"You can't have an unbalanced tree. It just doesn't look right."

The two squabbled back and forth, Taeil purposefully placing similar ornaments together, only for Sicheng to complain, and move them apart.

"What goes on top of the tree?"

"Oh. Easy. A star. We always had angels on top when I was a kid, so the first Christmas in my own place, I got a star."

"Well, look at you. You rebel."

Taeil laughed, handing it to Sicheng.

"You do it. You're taller."

"It's a 4 foot tree, Taeil."

"I don't care. I'm ready to be done with this."

Sicheng secured the star to the top of the tree, shuffling back a bit to get a full view of their work.

"I can't believe you weren't going to fluff the branches."

Taeil rolled his eyes.

~

As they sat at dinner that night, a question that had been itching at Taeil finally voiced itself.

"So, you know why I hate Christmas. Why do you hate Christmas?"

Sicheng's fork dropped from his hand, clattering onto the floor. He stared at the napkin in his lap, his fingers of his left hand starting to tear at the edges of it.

"We don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry."

"No. No, that's okay. I should get it out of the way before the actual day gets here. Since it's going to be an awful day anyway."

Sicheng tightened his hands into fists, looking in any direction that kept him from locking eyes with Taeil.

"I hate Christmas for two reasons. The first reason came about when I was seven years old. We were at my grandma's house. The sun was starting to set. We were supposed to be inside, washing up for dinner, but my cousin and I refused to stop playing. The woods behind the house enclosed a lake. We had been daring each other to walk further and further out on to it. I was older, but I was still too young to realize the danger in what we were doing. It was Renjun's turn to take ten steps. I didn't see the cracks forming under our weight until he had already fallen through. I ran back to the house for help, but by the time we got back, it was too late. He wasn't even five years old yet."

Sicheng wiped the tears from his cheeks, still unable to look at Taeil. He had never told anyone about Renjun. His death was a dark, ugly secret that Sicheng could never get out from under. He took a shuddering breath before continuing.

"The second reason is an obvious one. Christmas was the first time I drank. The first time I tried pills. The first time I tried cocaine. I was trying to erase Renjun's face as he sank beneath the ice. Turns out, substances just make it worse."

Sicheng finally had the nerve to look at Taeil. His reaction wasn't the one he was expecting. The blond had imagined Taeil getting up and hitting him. Kicking him out. He killed a child. Surely, Taeil would be disgusted with him. But when he looked at the older boy, there was no anger. No disgust. Just pure sadness. Pain. Sympathy. Something Sicheng had never felt he deserved.

"Sicheng. I'm so sorry. You were a child. It isn't your fault."

"I was older. I was supposed to take care of him."

"You tried to get help. You did the right thing. You both could have been taken by the ice."

"It should have been me. He was good. A sweet, happy boy. It should have been me."

Sicheng got up, pushing away from the table. He walked briskly toward the shoe closet by the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to get out of here."

"No. I won't let you. Stay with me. Please."

Taeil tried to wrap his arms around the younger man. Sicheng shrugged out of Taeil's hold, then turned around and pushed him.

"Don't, Taeil."

Taeil pushed Sicheng back.

"When are you going to realize that running doesn't solve anything?"

"Do you think I like being like this? I live everyday of my life wishing I could rewind just long enough to switch our places. Not even just save him. I would gladly take his place. And if I can't go back that far, then I alternate between wishing I'd never picked up a drink, or swallowed a pill, or snorted a line, and wishing I'd drunk myself to death, taken too many pills, snorted too many lines. I can't fix it, Taeil. All I fucking want in this life is to fucking fix it. It should have been me."

Sicheng crumpled to the floor, his hands flying to the bandages on his feet, ripping them off, nails digging into the wounds. Taeil launched himself forward, trying desperately to pin the younger man's arms at his sides. Sicheng was skinny, but he was incredibly strong, easily flipping them over, his right arm locked firmly over Taeil's throat.

"LET ME GO!"

Sicheng screamed it over and over again in Taeil's face, as the older man struggled for air. Taeil wasn't sure if Sicheng was talking to him or to someone else. Either way, he wasn't letting go.

"I'm sorry, Sicheng."

Taeil put all the force and strength he could muster into the one punch he threw at Sicheng's temple. The younger man's arm let up on Taeil's neck as he collapsed onto the floor.

Taeil leaned over, coughing as he struggled to sit up. Sicheng was knocked out, his jaw slack, a bruise already forming where Taeil's fist had connected with his face. He didn't know what to do. That was the only explanation for what he did next.

Reaching into Sicheng's back pocket, he fished the blond's phone out. He flicked through the contacts at a furious pace before finally finding the name he was looking for.

"Pick up, Goddamn it. Pick up."

"Hello?"

"Yukhei? It's Taeil. I need your help."

"What?"

"Sicheng is knocked out in my apartment. I don't know what to do."

"What do you mean? Like, 'on coke knocked out'?"

"No. No, he's clean. I mean, 'he was choking me, so I punched him' knocked out."

"Jesus. I'll be there in five minutes. What's your address?"

~

Yukhei had barrelled through the front door upon arrival, making a beeline for Sicheng. He pulled something out of his back pocket, immediately placing it under the unconscious man's nose.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Relax, Taeil. They're ammonia tablets, not cocaine."

Sicheng slowly came to, the awful smell irritating his nose.

"Hey, baby. You okay?"

Sicheng curled in on himself. He hadn't expected to see Yukhei outside of class ever again. To see him in Taeil's apartment was a huge shock to his system.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, baby. Something between you two. I was hoping you could give me the details."

Sicheng shook his head, causing his vision to blur. He laid back down on the floor, closing his eyes to keep from throwing up.

Yukhei turned back to Taeil.

"Well, whatever happened, he has a concussion. He'll refuse being seen by a doctor. He doesn't trust them."

"What do we do?"

"Take turns watching him. He can't sleep longer than an hour at a time. And he can't take anything for the pain."

"How do you know all this?"

"Been in plenty of fights. I've been Sicheng many times. He'll be alright. We just can't let his body lose consciousness again. That's why he can't sleep too long."

Taeil didn't feel comfortable having Yukhei in his apartment. He didn't feel comfortable trusting him. They needed to go to the hospital.

"Sicheng, get up. We're going to the ER."

Sicheng didn't say a word, merely lifted a hand to flip off Taeil.

"Told you."

Taeil was seething.

"Shut the fuck up, Yukhei."

Yukhei stood at full height in front of Taeil.

"If you wanted him to get checked out, you should have called an ambulance. But you didn't. You called me. I woke him back up. He's grown. If he doesn't want to go, then we're not going. Is there any part of that that is unclear?"

Taeil held Yukhei's gaze. It was the only thing he could do.

"I'm taking him to your room so he can be comfortable. I will come back out when it's your turn to watch him. Do not test me, Taeil."

"You don't know what's best for him."

"And neither do you. But we're both here, aren't we?"

With that, Yukhei scooped Sicheng up into his arms, carried him to Taeil's bedroom, and kicked the door shut behind him.


	4. Girl That You Love

"Drop every pretense  
Drown every sense you own  
For the girl that you love  
Girl you loathe...  
Girl that you love  
Knows you though  
Followed her home"

Yukhei sighed to himself as he placed Sicheng on Taeil's bed. They had been fucking around the entire semester, and this was easily the most intimate thing that the two had ever done. He didn't know why it was like that. As the months passed by, Yukhei found himself falling for Sicheng. He had tried, unsuccessfully, to shift their relationship into something more than just friction, more than just frenzied passion. Sicheng had always smacked him down, and he supposed he could understand why, but he had to admit that it hurt his heart.

"Baby? You need a blanket?"

"I think I'm going to puke."

"Well, it's okay if you do. Just let me know. I'll help you."

"Why are you here?"

Yukhei knew it was a genuine question. They hadn't seen each other outside of class for a few weeks now. Sicheng had gone to great lengths to stay far away from him, even changing seats in the auditorium. It still felt like a slap to the face, though.

"Your...roommate? I don't know what he actually is to you. Anyway. Taeil called me. He was pretty panicked."

"I think he hit me, Yukhei."

"Taeil claims you were choking him. Does that ring a bell?"

Sicheng searched his mind. He tried to remember what had happened. Decorating. Giggling while wrapping a strand of garland around Taeil. Dinner. Then...nothing.

"Something must have happened at dinner. I was choking him?"

"I didn't get a good look at him. Should I go check him for bruises?"

Sicheng made grabby hands at Yukhei. The loss of time was making him feel even more disoriented. He needed something to ground himself.

Yukhei shifted forward a bit on the bed, hand reaching for one of Sicheng's. He had to be careful. For Sicheng. For himself. He couldn't get too close.

Sicheng looked up at him through blond bangs, eyes not totally focused.

"You're not going to cuddle me?"

Yukhei let go of Sicheng's hand, moving to crack his knuckles. A nervous habit. He didn't know how to respond, or what to do. Denying Sicheng could get him kicked out of the room, and indulging him could break his heart in half. It was a lose-lose situation.

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

Sicheng looked at the man before him. Yukhei was avoiding his gaze, eyes downcast as he picked at a hangnail on his left middle finger. He wasn't what Sicheng normally went for. Broad, tall, giant hands, beautiful mouth. And maybe that's why Sicheng had been able to keep it professional between them. Yukhei simply wasn't his type. But Sicheng couldn't say that he wasn't attractive, that he hadn't enjoyed every single encounter he had ever had with the other man. Even thinking about it made his heart race.

"You always give me what I want. You've never denied me anything. So cuddle me. Xuxi, please."

A blush flared across Yukhei's cheeks. Sicheng had asked him what his Mandarin name was in the middle of sex once. Sicheng never used it outside the bedroom. It lit a fire in Yukhei's belly that was difficult to ignore. Sicheng knew what he was doing. Even concussed, he was still playing the game.

Yukhei finally met Sicheng's eyes. Eyes that he had drawn in the margins of his Econ notes. Eyes that haunted him in his sleep. Eyes that were so fucking empty, it made his heart clench. But today was different. There was something there behind those eyes.

"I don't know how to take care of you. I don't know what you need. I know nothing about you. Why me?"

"Because you've never pushed. Please. Don't start now."

Sicheng scooted over on the mattress, flicking the sheet back to allow Yukhei room to slide in next to him. Yukhei stayed where he was for a few moments, his head losing the battle against his heart as the seconds passed.

"Okay."

Yukhei climbed in next to Sicheng, his larger frame effectively cocooning the other man. Sicheng wasn't even short, but Yukhei was just...massive. As much as he hated to admit it, Sicheng felt safe with him. And he wouldn't admit it, because that would blur the line of their arrangement, and Sicheng was a professional.

They laid there for a few minutes, Yukhei spooning Sicheng, Sicheng's head tucked under his chin. It was warm. Cozy. Dangerous. For more reasons than the very real possibility that they'd both fall asleep. Yukhei's brain was screaming at him to leave, to tag out early and make Taeil watch Sicheng. But his body moved of its own accord, slowly turning Sicheng to face him.

Sicheng rolled willingly toward Yukhei, a hand coming up to rest on Yukhei's chest. Yukhei was grateful that it was Sicheng's left hand. His heart was thumping against his ribcage. He didn't want the other man to know.

"Can I...can I try something?"

"You're concussed."

"Yes, but it's something I've wanted to do since I met you. So that should count as consent, right?"

Sicheng looked up at Yukhei, a pleading glint in his eyes. Against better judgement, Yukhei nodded.

Sicheng propped himself up on an elbow, pushing Yukhei back to lay down flat. He leaned over the other man, his face finding the crook of Yukhei's neck. Breathing in deep, he reached his free hand up to touch Yukhei's face...and then he kissed him. On the mouth.

Yukhei had barely registered what was happening before Sicheng pulled away. He hadn't even had the time to kiss back.

"What--what are you doing?"

"I was afraid of that."

"Of what?"

"Of kissing you. Because I knew I would like it."

Sicheng closed the gap between them again, his lips claiming Yukhei's as need began to grow in his chest. Yukhei took Sicheng's face in both hands, trying to ground himself in the moment. He couldn't remember how many times he had tried to kiss Sicheng. Sicheng had never allowed it. It felt wrong, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had wanted this for so long.

Yukhei sat up, allowing Sicheng to sit in his lap. He ran his tongue along Sicheng's bottom lip, which made the blond man moan. Sicheng opened his mouth, his tongue desperately seeking Yukhei's. He hadn't made out with someone in years. It was better than he remembered.

"Chenggie. God."

Yukhei's hands slid down the sides of Sicheng's body, coming to a firm stop on his hips, his fingers gripping them like a lifeline. Sicheng leaned his head back, taking in gasps of air, trying, and failing, to be quiet. Yukhei was as needy as he was. It felt good to know, for once, it was equal.

"Fuck, Xuxi."

The broken way Sicheng had moaned out his name made Yukhei bite down into the flesh where Sicheng's neck met his shoulder. It wasn't deep, just enough to send shockwaves down Sicheng's arms into his fingertips. Sicheng whimpered, hips moving involuntarily against Yukhei. Shit.

"Xuxi. I want to. But."

"No. We can't. This...this is enough. Please."

Sicheng looked into Yukhei's eyes. It was like he'd never paid them any mind before, had never really noticed them. There was sadness. Sicheng recognized it immediately. He chose to ignore it.

Sicheng climbed off Yukhei's lap and laid himself down. He nodded at Yukhei, who flipped over and covered Sicheng's body with his own. There wasn't a nerve ending of his that wasn't on fire, frayed and white hot, as he kissed Sicheng again and again. He never wanted to stop. And for an hour, maybe two, he didn't.

~

Taeil paced the apartment. He was absolutely furious. But he also knew in his heart what he was really feeling: fear. Fear always masqueraded itself as anger for him. What he truly was, was terrified. Terrified that Yukhei was right. That he didn't know what Sicheng needed. That HE wasn't what Sicheng needed. That maybe Yukhei would figure it out. Or that Yukhei would cause this whole thing to crumble. Sicheng's recovery was fragile. Sicheng himself was fragile. What had transpired that evening was the equivalent of launching a missile at a house of cards. In short, the whole thing was going to fold.

As he walked down the hallway, he was pretty sure he heard a noise. A noise he dreaded hearing. Unless he was the cause behind it. Taeil tiptoed to his bedroom door, pressing his ear up against it. There. Again. A moan. Sicheng's.

He wanted to burst through the door. Fight Yukhei. Scream at Sicheng. Instead, he ran to the bathroom, turned the shower on, and sat fully clothed in the tub, letting his tears mingle with the water cascading down on his head. Taeil had no right to feel this way. Sicheng wasn't his. The younger boy had made that abundantly clear numerous times. But damn it, it still hurt.

Taeil sat there until the water ran cold long enough to make his teeth chatter. As he stepped out of the shower, he realized just how stupid he was. There he stood, in soaked clothes, with no access to dry ones, as they were in his bedroom, which was currently occupied by two men doing...he didn't want to think about it.

"Fuck."

~

Yuta didn't even knock before barging into Taeil's apartment.

"You're lucky I happened to be in the neighborhood."

Taeil looked at the pile of clothes in Yuta's hands. He smirked.

"Oh, you just happened to have an extra set of clothes for me in your car?"

"Shut up, Taeil."

Taeil walked over to the younger man, wrapping his blanket around him as he hugged him. Taeil was in soggy boxers and nothing else at this point.

"Get off me! You're wet!"

Taeil only squeezed Yuta harder. In fact, Yuta was the only thing keeping him together at this point. He tucked his face into the crook of Yuta's neck and sniffed.

"What happened? Tell the truth."

"We...we fought."

"Is he using?"

"No. Not anything like that. I think he let me in. And it freaked him out."

"So he put you in a chokehold? Jesus, Taeil. You're smarter than this. What the fuck are you doing?"

Taeil shrugged in Yuta's hold. He had no idea. Genuinely.

"He's still here?"

Taeil nodded. He felt absolutely ridiculous. With everything that had happened, he knew he had every right to hate Sicheng. But that wasn't the case. If anything, he felt even stronger about him than before. God, this was hopeless. Taeil wanted to scream until his lungs burned.

"Why didn't you just let Yukhei take him?"

Taeil backed away from Yuta, turning to face the opposite direction. Anger and hurt flooded him.

"I understand why you hate him, but you really can't send him off with someone like that."

Yuta stamped his foot. He had spent numerous nights getting to know the younger boy. They got along surprisingly well. Even better than he and Sicheng did. In hindsight, the only flaw Yuta could find in Yukhei, is that he somehow had feelings for Sicheng. But Sicheng was a charmer; he had fooled them all. Yuta couldn't really fault the kid for it.

"Yukhei is a great guy. Who told you he isn't?"

"Sicheng."

"Oh, and the word of an addict is to be trusted?"

Taeil whirled around, walked up to Yuta, and slapped him across the face. The younger boy threw the clothes at Taeil, and stomped toward the door.

"I never want to see you again, Moon Taeil."

As the door slammed shut, Taeil realized the gravity of what he'd just done. In one strike, he had thrown away his relationship with not only Yuta, but with Johnny as well. He had made a choice, and he was almost positive that it was the wrong one.

Taeil sat down on the living room floor and wept.

~

Yukhei had been watching Sicheng sleep for the better part of a half hour, panic in his chest keeping him awake. It was for the best. He needed to stay vigilant. Sicheng's condition was precarious at best.

A light tapping at the door caught his attention. Before he could respond, Taeil slowly pushed through the door.

"Hey. It's been six hours. It's late. Do you want to trade?"

In truth, yes. Yes, he absolutely wanted a break. Yukhei was exhausted, and he wanted a chance to go over what had occurred between Sicheng and him. But he didn't want Taeil to be the one to take over. So he stifled a yawn, and shook his head.

"Nah, man. I'm good."

"Well, it's my room, and if you won't leave, I guess I'll just pull up a chair."

Yukhei nodded curtly. He understood the situation completely. He and Taeil were opposite sides of the same coin, desperate for a man neither of them could truly touch. And instead of doing the healthy thing, and walking away, they put all their energy into hating each other. It was stupid, but at least it was the same for both of them.

"I heard you earlier. Just so you know."

Yukhei didn't respond. What was there to say? Half of him felt smug, that he had shared such passion with Sicheng. The other half felt guilty. Neither feeling was appealing to Yukhei.

Taeil stared at the younger boy. He was exhausted by the whole situation. Coming in, he had wanted to cause a disturbance. Pick a fight. But now, he just felt deflated.

"You love him, don't you?"

Yukhei nodded. It wasn't a lie. He did love Sicheng.

"And so do you. Maybe not the same way, but, you do."

"But he doesn't love me. And I don't think he loves you. The only thing I'm sure of, is that he hates himself."

Yukhei looked down at the sleeping man next to him. He moved the hair out of Sicheng's eyes.

"Yeah. You're right. I just wish I knew why."

Taeil wanted to say that it felt good to know why. To have that one-up on Yukhei. But it was a hollow victory. In truth, he wished he didn't know why. Somehow, he didn't feel that knowing about Renjun would get him anywhere.

"So what happened?"

Yukhei searched Taeil's face in the pale light of the room. He was mostly hidden in shadow, the shine of tears in his eyes the only thing lighting up his face. It made Yukhei frown.

"We were talking. He got upset, tried to leave. I refused to let him go. He...took it poorly."

"Did he really choke you?"

"I don't think he was Sicheng in that moment. And I'm not sure who I was, either."

Yukhei's nose scrunched up. He didn't understand.

"What?"

"You've never had a moment with him where...he just sort of...disappears on you?"

"Oh."

Yukhei knew exactly what Taeil meant. There had been times during sex that Sicheng had reacted uncharacteristically. Yukhei felt ridiculous even thinking that. As if he knew Sicheng well enough to call something out of character for him.

"Sometimes, I think he's afraid of me. And it kills me. I would never do anything to hurt him."

Taeil scoffed.

"Really? You fed him coke in exchange for getting your dick ridden."

Yukhei flinched.

"Is that what he told you?"

"Is that not true?"

Yukhei shook his head. God, he was stupid.

"I met him in class. We had been teamed up on a project early in the semester. We spent a lot of time together; I thought of him as a friend. He always seemed really stressed whenever money got brought up. As far as I knew, he didn't have a job, and his parents had cut him off. I wasn't sure how he was paying for school, or for meals, or anything. He was always so sweet. I found myself worrying about him. So every once in a while, I would offer to lend him some money when I saw him. Sometimes we would go out. Sometimes he would just leave after I handed him the cash. After a few months, we started having sex. I thought he liked me back. I...I didn't know he was using until I already had feelings for him. And I didn't think it was fair to ask him to stop, since I'm not clean myself. But I never gave him money after I knew he was using it to buy coke. I can't believe he told you that."

Taeil watched as the tears spilled over, pouring down Yukhei's cheeks. He didn't have any doubt that Yukhei was telling the truth. The younger man was devastated. And so was Taeil.

"I thought I meant a little more to him than that. Guess I'm just a toy he likes to play with."

"Yukhei, I'm sorry."

"Oh, fuck off. We both know how this ends. We will forgive him until our last breaths. Because it's the only way we get to be close to him."

Taeil nodded. Feelings don't just turn off because someone betrays you. Yukhei couldn't walk away anymore than Taeil could.

"Were there others?"

"I can't say for sure, but I believe so."

"Good. At least we're not the only ones who got conned."

Yukhei swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"It's your turn, Taeil."

Yukhei headed for the door. Taeil reached out, grabbing the younger boy's arm.

"Did he kiss you?"

"What?"

"Did Sicheng kiss you? He doesn't allow it. If he kissed you, he likes you."

"Don't try to make me feel better, Taeil."

"Believe me. I'm not. It would be easier for me if you walked away from him. But I'm not sure that's what's best for him."

Yukhei started to turn back toward the door.

"Wait! I'm serious. I think he was trying to disgust me, saying what he did about you. So I would hate him, and be so angry at you, that I would walk away altogether. Yukhei, I don't think he meant it."

Yukhei didn't turn around as he spoke.

"We'll all just keep lying to ourselves, huh? Make excuses for him? Come get me when you get tired."

"Yukhei? Can I ask you one question?"

"You just did."

"When you said you'd be here in five minutes earlier... You already knew where I lived, didn't you?"

Yukhei turned around, his shoulders hunched.

"Since I found out about the cocaine, there hasn't been a night I haven't followed him home."


	5. Nicotine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. I'm sorry I'm posting this later in the day than usual. Today has been weird. Anyhoodle, hope you enjoy.

"Just one more hit, and then we're through  
Cause you could never love me back  
Cut every tie I have to you  
Cause your love's a fucking drag  
But I need it so bad  
Yeah, you're worse than nicotine"

It had been a week since the fight. Christmas was right around the corner. Taeil and Sicheng had been living around each other, not really communicating. The elder had aced all of his classes, and the younger had gotten a mix of A's and B's. Sicheng continued to abide by all the rules, except one. He made no move to reconcile with Yuta and Johnny. Taeil had no room to talk about it, after what had happened with Yuta. He amended the contract, effectively removing the final rule. It didn't seem fair to hold Sicheng to a higher standard, when he had no plans of making things right, either. Sicheng had been an acquaintance, not a best friend.

Yukhei had stayed with them for the first few days after the fight. Taeil had noticed a shift in the way he treated Sicheng. There was little affection in the care he gave him. No more "baby's", no cuddling. Just diligent care of someone concussed. If Sicheng noticed, he didn't say anything. For all Taeil knew, the younger boy would be relieved that Yukhei had finally taken the hint. Once it had been proven that Sicheng still functioned normally, and could sleep without losing consciousness, Yukhei had departed. Taeil was almost sad to see him go.

Taeil knew he needed to confront Sicheng about what happened. That the younger boy had a right to know, since he couldn't remember, but he just couldn't bring himself to talk about it. The fear that Sicheng would have another episode was too great to ignore. Taeil didn't want to live through that again. For his own sake, even more than Sicheng's.

Unfortunately, the situation had begun to dig at the younger boy, the black hole in his memory a constant source of panic. What had happened? What was said? What did Taeil know about him? It was the only conclusion Sicheng could come to, as to why he had freaked out the way he did. Taeil had gotten too close, but Sicheng couldn't remember if he had let the elder in, or if the elder had shoved his way through. Sicheng had started picking at his nails again. Something that he hadn't done in ages, because it usually led to other behaviors he didn't want to perform anymore. He needed to fix this. Now.

Sicheng walked into the living room where Taeil was watching a movie. The elder boy didn't take notice of him, having become accustomed to their new arrangement of coexisting without communicating. It wasn't until the younger boy stood in front of the television that Taeil finally acknowledged his presence.

"We need to talk."

Taeil let out a hard sigh. He was going to play dumb.

"About what?"

"About what happened the other night."

"What night?"

Sicheng narrowed his eyes, arms crossed over his chest. If Taeil thought he was stupid, or that he was just going to let it go, he was sorely mistaken.

"The night I apparently choked you out, and you decked me in order to get free."

Taeil looked down into his lap. He wasn't sure if Sicheng remembered what happened, or if he just finally believed what he'd been told. Either way, he couldn't pretend he didn't know anymore. He couldn't lie.

"Something in you...I don't know. It's like a switch got flipped. You were a different person."

"Yeah. It's happened before. But there's always a reason for it. What did we talk about at dinner? That's where it goes dark in my memory, so that's when something went wrong."

Taeil didn't want to bring up Renjun. He was perfectly content holding him in secret as Sicheng did. Maybe there was a way to skirt the issue without mentioning the little boy.

"We were talking about holidays. How I love Halloween so much."

"Holidays? Just Halloween?"

Taeil shook his head.

"You know about Renjun, don't you?"

"Sicheng, I never would have asked about Christmas had I known what happened when you were younger."

The blond boy sat down on the floor. He had only ever dissociated in two situations: when things got weird with a client, and when Renjun got brought up. He knew things had never gotten that far, so talking about Renjun had to have been what made him snap.

"I apologize for attacking you. I hope you can forgive me. You don't need my forgiveness for hitting me. I deserved what I got. I could have killed you, too."

Taeil couldn't stop the words from tumbling out his mouth.

"You didn't kill Renjun. It was an accident."

"If that makes you feel better, sure, Taeil."

"Why do you do this? How can you just...just turn off and feel nothing? You talk about your past in such a clinical way. Like it happened to someone else."

Sicheng laughed. Bitter, dry.

"It's a defense mechanism. The truth is too painful, so you remove yourself from it. After so many years, the emotion is hollow, though the pain swells. Your mind learns to disconnect. It's how I was able to overpower you so easily. I wasn't in my body anymore at that point."

Taeil swallowed hard. He'd never known someone to have this kind of mental turmoil. He had friends who were depressed, sure. But no one suffered the way Sicheng did.

"Come here."

"No, Taeil. I can't."

"I'll forgive you if you come here."

"That's an awful thing to say."

"I know. I'm sorry. I really am."

Sicheng looked up into Taeil's face. There was such sadness. The younger boy knew in his heart that Taeil was unjaded, that sadness was a fleeting emotion for him. But he'd seen it more and more behind the elder's eyes as the days passed. It was too much for him.

"Can I ask you something? About Yukhei?"

"I kissed him that night. A lot. I liked how it felt. I'm sorry."

"No need. I already knew that. It's not about that."

Sicheng's eyebrows furrowed. He hadn't expected that.

"What I want to ask, and it's not my place to, but I'm going to anyway. Why did you lie about him? He's hardly the monster you made him out to be."

"I told you what you wanted to hear, Taeil. I know you saw us at the party. I could feel the hatred radiating off you at breakfast the next day. You wanted someone to blame for the ugliness you felt at finding out who I really am. And you were too blind to direct it at me. So I used him. You already hated him, so I gave you a reason to. It wasn't true. None of it about him. Yukhei has been nothing but kind and generous and lovely. Same as you. But I couldn't have you two comparing notes about me. Not if I wanted to keep him. And I did. I still do."

"So why are you here? Why not just be with him? You know he loves you."

"Yukhei can handle it. The cocaine. He uses to have fun. To blow off steam. Only a little, and only on special occasions. I can't handle it. It's all or nothing for me."

"He'd stop. For you. You know that. That isn't why. Don't lie to me, Sicheng."

Sicheng felt his cheeks warm, red with anger. Taeil didn't trust his word blindly anymore. In his heart, he was grateful. It was a step toward a better relationship. But his pride was furious.

"You only want me to tell you what you want to hear. Maybe it's the truth, and maybe it isn't. What does it matter to you?"

"How the fuck could it not matter to me?! I hated a boy for no reason! I hit a friend because of you! I may never get Yuta or Johnny back! How dare you ask me that?!"

"What?"

"Rule 6 of the contract has been voided. Since I slapped Yuta across the face for calling you an addict, and saying your word was meaningless. Turns out, he was right on both fronts."

Sicheng opened his mouth to respond, then closed it. Only then could he see just how deep Taeil felt for him. He wanted it to feel good, to feel warm. But it didn't. It felt dirty, guilt and shame flooding his chest. He could feel his body start to move into autopilot, the first sign of dissociation for him. Sicheng pinched his thighs, hard, the pain keeping him focused and present.

"Why me, Taeil? I told you at the party that this would happen. I've already told you I have feelings for another guy tonight. You've lost your friends. How much do I have to hurt you before you figure it out?"

Taeil didn't have an answer. Not immediately anyway. He sat for a few minutes, pondering the question. It didn't appear that Sicheng was going to leave without a response, so he took his time.

"Haven't you ever just felt a certain way about a person? Like the universe put them in your path for a reason? I felt it when you shook my hand all those months ago. I felt it every time I've cleaned you up. I felt it when we fought. I feel it right now. You may not be good for me, or to me, but I want to be good to you. I can't explain it. But you need it, and maybe that's why you're here. Because you feel it, too."

A single tear slid down Sicheng's cheek. Of course, he felt something for Taeil. He felt something for Yukhei, too. But he was old enough to know that it didn't justify ruining someone else's life. That just because your heart feels a certain way, doesn't mean it's good for you.

"What do you want from me, Taeil?"

"I just want you to be happy. Please. Please, come here."

Sicheng knew better than to get up off the floor, but he did it anyway. He walked the few steps to Taeil, straddled the elder's legs, and sat down. Taeil immediately took the younger man's face in his hands, thumbs wiping at the tear streaks on Sicheng's cheekbones. Sicheng melted into the touch, eyes connecting with Taeil's for the first time.

"Can I kiss you?"

Sicheng surged forward, their lips crashing together. Taeil smiled into the kiss, finally able to really feel Sicheng. The younger boy's hands found Taeil's hair, pulling gently at the strands, not enough to hurt, but enough to pull Taeil's head back slightly. Sicheng took the chance to lean forward and kiss along Taeil's jaw, moving down to suck bruises into his neck. Taeil gasped, not expecting the younger boy to take charge like that.

"God, Sicheng."

Taeil's hands moved to the hem of Sicheng's shirt, fingers moving across the soft skin of the blond's stomach. Sicheng giggled a little, the touch tickling him.

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

Sicheng leaned back, taking his shirt off in one fluid motion. Taeil had never seen someone so beautiful. The younger boy moved to take Taeil's shirt off, too.

"I haven't worked out in a while."

"Taeil, I really don't care. I wouldn't be in your lap if I didn't want this."

Appeased, Taeil raised his arms to help Sicheng lift the fabric up and over his head. The younger boy touched the elder's chest. Taeil wasn't a big guy, but he was sturdy, strong in all the right places. Sicheng leaned forward, connecting his lips to Taeil's collarbone.

Taeil closed his eyes as Sicheng marked him. His skin was on fire everywhere the blond boy's lips touched. His hips moved on their own, bucking up into Sicheng's ass.

"I'm sorry."

Sicheng grabbed a handful of Taeil's hair and pulled. Hard.

"Quit apologizing. If you want something, take it."

In an uncharacteristic move for Taeil, he grabbed Sicheng's hips, and stood up from the couch. Sicheng wrapped his legs around Taeil, as he was carried from the living room to Taeil's bedroom. Taeil gently tossed Sicheng down onto the bed, quickly covering the blond with his body.

Taeil began to mark Sicheng in a similar pattern to the bruises already forming in his own skin. The tiny moans, the way Sicheng squirmed under him, trying to find friction, made Taeil's dick throb in his jeans. He ground down against Sicheng's hips. The younger boy was hard, too.

Taeil lifted up off Sicheng, sitting back on his heels. He reached out, slowly pulling Sicheng's sweat pants and boxers down. The younger boy lifted his ass to make the slide easier. Taeil looked Sicheng in the eye. No shyness. No hesitance. It made him shiver.

Sicheng sat up, hands focused on removing Taeil's jeans. He popped the button easily enough, sliding the zipper down. He pulled the denim and Taeil's boxers down to mid thigh, eyes widening as the elder boy's cock sprung free of its confines.

"Wow. That is unexpected."

Taeil flushed. Johnny had said the same thing the first time he had seen Taeil naked. Taeil had fully intended on letting Johnny be the top in their short relationship, but Johnny had all but refused, begging Taeil to fuck him instead. Taeil hadn't expected Johnny to be a size queen, but hey. Looks can be deceiving.

"Good unexpected, or bad unexpected?"

"Fucking fantastic unexpected."

Sicheng took Taeil in his hand, lightly stroking him. Taeil let out a harsh breath at the touch. It had been years since anyone else had touched him like this. If he were honest, he was already overwhelmed.

The blond boy wasted no time, moving forward and placing a kiss directly on the tip. Sicheng slowly circled his tongue around the head, his lips closing over it lightly. Taeil had to focus hard to keep his hips from bucking up into the blond's mouth.

Sicheng slowly started taking more and more of Taeil into his mouth, inching his way down the length. It had been a while since he'd had to pace himself during a blowjob. He loved it.

Taeil was transfixed, gaze locked with Sicheng's as he moved up and down on Taeil's cock. Sicheng could already taste precum on his tongue. He couldn't keep this up, not if he wanted it to last.

"Taeil? Touch me?"

Sicheng laid back against the pillows, eyes pleading with the elder boy. Taeil didn't have to be asked twice.

"What do you want?"

"Can you multitask?"

Taeil nodded. Sicheng reached for his hand, sliding a couple of Taeil's fingers into his mouth. He licked and sucked, then spit into the elder's hand.

"Open me up while you touch me."

Taeil's breath caught in his throat. God. He spread Sicheng's legs, fingers brushing against his entrance. Sicheng let out the prettiest sigh. Taeil wasn't sure he was going to be able to last through this. He felt like he could come at any moment.

"Forgetting something?"

Sicheng wiggled his hips, his dick sweeping across the expanse of his stomach as he did so. Taeil reached forward with his left hand, wrapping the younger boy's cock in a firm grip. Sicheng arched his back into the touch. Taeil could feel his own dick throb against his hip.

Taeil stroked and fingered Sicheng in a similar rhythm, trying to keep his focus on the task at hand, instead of thinking about how very close he already was to coming. He felt like a teenager again, unable to hold his load. It was ridiculous.

But he couldn't help it. Watching Sicheng buck up into his hand and ride his fingers was breathtaking. The younger boy moved so fluidly. Seemed so confident in his body and what he wanted. Taeil had never seen someone so connected to the moment like this.

"You're beautiful. I really hope you know that."

Sicheng opened his eyes for the first time in a long while.

"Come here."

Taeil let go of Sicheng's dick, the fingers of his right hand still moving, stretching Sicheng open. Sicheng kissed Taeil, soft and sweet.

"Do you have a condom?"

"Yeah. Bedside table. In the drawer."

Sicheng stretched, his fingers barely long enough to open the drawer. He pulled out the box. One left.

"Been busy?"

"In my youth, perhaps."

Sicheng looked at the package.

"Expires in two days. Better use it now."

Taeil laughed. He sat back as Sicheng rolled the condom onto his length. For a fleeting moment, he wondered how many times Sicheng had done this. How recently he had done this. Taeil shook his head to clear the thought.

"You're sure you're ready?"

"I'm good. Come on."

"How do you like it?"

Sicheng's eyebrows furrowed.

"What?"

"How do you like to do it? What feels best?"

Sicheng didn't immediately answer. Most clients just flipped him over, rutted into him for a few minutes, then left. Only Yukhei had ever bothered to try to make him feel good, too.

"Oh. Um. I guess missionary, but with my legs on your shoulders?

"That won't hurt you?"

Sicheng chuckled.

"Some of us have flexibility in our limbs. I'll be fine."

Taeil gave a playful swat to Sicheng's ass. He nodded at the younger boy, who laid back and hooked his legs over Taeil's shoulders. Taeil lined up, pushing in slowly, giving Sicheng time to adjust. The familiar burn and stretch was comforting to Sicheng.

"Move, Taeil. You're not going to break me."

"I have to pace myself. I want you to come before I do."

Sicheng felt his heart clench. He realized just how much this actually meant to Taeil in that moment. Everything changed in a split second.

"You're close? Okay. Let me...let me ride you, then."

"You sure?"

Sicheng had already scooted away from Taeil, moving to switch their positions. Taeil laid back, hands guiding Sicheng's hips as the younger boy straddled him. He sank down, inch by inch, until he was fully seated. The stretch was incredible.

"Fuck, Taeil."

Sicheng began bouncing in Taeil's lap, trying to find the perfect angle to make himself come quickly. Taeil shifted upwards ever so slightly, making Sicheng cry out. There. Right fucking there. Sicheng began rocking against Taeil, the elder's cock rubbing against his prostate as he grinded in his lap. It wouldn't take much longer.

"Touch me, Taeil."

Taeil reached out, hand feverishly stroking the younger boy.

"Sicheng, I'm gonna--"

"Do it."

Taeil came, Sicheng's name a whine in the back of his throat. Sicheng could feel Taeil's dick pulse as his orgasm took him. He just needed to keep moving. He was so close.

Taeil was hypersensitive at this point, Sicheng's movements bordering on painful, but he didn't say anything. He wanted the blond to come, his own comfort be damned.

Sicheng circled his hips, the pressure in his dick finally reaching the tipping point. He came, hard, cum landing on Taeil's chest and neck, his ass clenching tight around Taeil's length. He fell forward, his knees no longer able to support his weight. Taeil was right there to catch him, though. Taeil pulled out, and quickly switched their positions. Sicheng was asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

~

Sicheng awoke a few hours later to the sensation of being lifted. He flailed a bit, before wrapping his arms around Taeil's neck.

"I thought you might want to get cleaned up. You seemed uncomfortable in your sleep."

Sicheng was grateful. He was sticky and sore. Taeil had run a bath for him, the water warm and soothing against his skin. The elder headed toward the door of the bathroom, but Sicheng stopped him.

"Hey. Join me."

Taeil did.

~

"I love you."

Taeil whispered it only when he thought Sicheng had finally fallen asleep.

~

Taeil woke up to the other side of his bed empty. A note on his bedside table.

"I can't love you, Taeil. I'm leaving. Please, don't try to find me."


	6. Girls/Girls/Boys

"I don't wanna hear you got a boyfriend  
Sometimes, you're better off alone  
But if you change your mind, you know where I am  
Yeah, if you change your mind, you know where to find me  
But I don't ever want to be your boyfriend"

Sicheng had stayed up, after Taeil's words had wrapped tendrils around his conscience, pulling him from the edge of sleep. He had already known for weeks now the truth behind what the elder had said. Still, Sicheng had prayed that Taeil would never voice them out loud. If he never heard those words, he could pretend he didn't know, pretend it didn't exist. There was no going back now.

Sicheng laid next to Taeil until he was sure the elder was in deep sleep. Taeil's arm was wrapped firmly across his stomach, locking him in place. Sicheng looked down at Taeil. Face soft. No doubt pleasant dreams playing in his mind. It really did wound Sicheng to do what he was about to, but he had no choice. Better to rip it off fast like a Band-Aid.

The blond pressed one last kiss to Taeil's forehead, leaving what emotion he felt for the man in a gentle caress to his cheek. He slid out of the bed slowly, doing his best to not wake the elder. Luckily for him, Taeil slept like a brick. Sicheng went into the kitchen, opened the junk drawer, and found a pen and a piece of paper.

"What do I even say?"

Sicheng twirled the pen through his fingers. He was terrible at goodbyes. In fact, he rarely bothered with them. Something about disappearing tricked his mind into believing that was closure, a clean break. But that was bullshit. Just like everything else in his life.

Sicheng scratched out a few words, returned to Taeil's bedroom, and left the note on the bedside table. Sighing to himself, he turned on his heel and headed to the door. No tears came. Good.

~

Yukhei awoke to something hitting his window. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up. There it was again. Couldn't have been a bird. Maybe it was a stupid squirrel. Either way, it was too early for this shit. He crossed his bedroom to peek through the blinds.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

Sicheng stood beneath his window, chucking pebbles against the glass. He hadn't really expected Yukhei to respond. Their last encounter hadn't been exactly warm between the two of them.

Yukhei gestured toward the door. Sicheng nodded, turning to head toward the front of the house. He stood there for a few minutes, realizing that Yukhei was probably intentionally making him wait. He supposed he deserved that much.

Yukhei finally opened the door.

"Did he kick you out?"

"No. I left."

"And you came here...why?"

Sicheng should have known this was a bad idea, but he still had hope that Yukhei would pity him. It wasn't fair in the slightest, yet another manipulation of the boy's heart on his part, but here he stood.

"Because I owe you an apology."

Yukhei hadn't been expecting that response. He wasn't sure remorse was an emotion that Sicheng was capable of. Against better judgment, he stepped further into the house, leaving the door open for the blond to enter through.

Yukhei led them into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. He pointed at the recliner, a small signal that while Sicheng was allowed in the house, he wasn't allowed anywhere near Yukhei's personal space. Sicheng sat as directed.

Yukhei gave him a nod that seemed to say, "I'm waiting." Sicheng took a deep breath, his fingers finding pieces of fuzz on his sweater.

"I know you know what I said to Taeil. That I called you a client. I'm sorry."

"You could live a hundred lifetimes, and never deserve either of us. You know that, right?"

Sicheng nodded. He did know that. That's why he'd left Taeil. That's why he was here now.

"You still love me, though. Don't you?"

Yukhei scoffed. Typical Sicheng. Except this time, he wasn't going to allow it. This time, he wasn't going to let his heart get in the way.

"It doesn't matter. You're incapable of love. Of anything that isn't selfish or self-serving. I want you to get better, but I can't kill myself while you decide if it's worth your time."

Sicheng sat there, emotionless. This wasn't going at all the way he had imagined. Sure, he'd expected anger from Yukhei, but he figured that passion would overtake that anger, they'd fuck around, and he'd have a few days to get his shit sorted before Yukhei made the same mistake Taeil had.

"You can sleep on the couch, but I want you gone before I wake up. I have a flight to catch."

Sicheng looked up, startled.

"Where are you going?"

"Hong Kong. Christmas is the day after tomorrow. Did you forget?"

God, how Sicheng wished he could.

"Oh. Right. How long will you be gone for?"

"Till after New Year's."

Sicheng nodded to himself. He was going to have to figure something out.

"And...I can't stay here, even though you'll be gone, and won't see me?"

Yukhei's eyes widened. The audacity was astounding. At one point, he would have given Sicheng keys to the house, keys to his car, and as much money as he wanted. Now, he wanted to rescind his offer to spend the night.

"You really cannot ask me to allow that. Not after everything you've said and done. I know I promised I would always be there for you, and that's the truth. I will. But I will not enable you anymore, Sicheng. No. You cannot stay here. If I find out from my roommate that he even saw you walking down this street while I'm gone, I will go to the cops. Sicheng, don't force my hand on this."

"I didn't mean for you to get hurt."

"Of course not. It's just who you are."

Yukhei regretted it the second those words left his lips. It was the truth, but it didn't need to be voiced. He leaned back against the couch, face buried in his hands. Fuck.

"You know, if I could have ever loved anyone fully, it would have been you."

Another truth that didn't need voiced, but hey, if Yukhei wanted to hurt him, Sicheng was more than prepared to destroy him right back.

Yukhei wiped his hands down his face as he stood up from the couch.

"Yeah. My alarm goes off at 6:30. Be gone before then."

He left the living room, taking the stairs back up to his bedroom. Sicheng watched him go, finally feeling the sadness he had been dreading so much. In the span of three hours, he'd lost both the men holding him together. Deserved or not, he was still devastated.

Sicheng grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch, covering himself completely. He let the tears fall, his silent sobs slowly lulling him to sleep. He awoke the next morning just after 6:00. Putting everything back in its place, he felt the pain of knowing he could never return here. Sicheng placed a kiss to a picture of Yukhei on one of the end tables, then headed out.

Yukhei watched him from the stairs, his heart shattering into tiny pieces. He held his tears until he heard the front door click shut, and then he wept hard enough to break capillaries in his face.

~

Sicheng didn't know where to go. He had been gone long enough from his regular clientele that no one picked up his calls. Upon hearing Taeil's proposal for their contract, he had gone out of his way to burn a lot of bridges, in the hopes that that would make relapsing damn near impossible. Sicheng was grateful that he couldn't get high as easily, but that did nothing to help with his living situation.

Yukhei lived close to campus, and before long, Sicheng found himself walking up toward the library. Much to his surprise, when he tried the door, he found it open. Odd, given everything else was shut down until after the new year. Students weren't allowed to stay. There was no reason for the library to be unlocked.

He refused to complain, ducking inside out of the cold. Sicheng hadn't spent much time here. Studying was never his strong suit, and he rarely actually needed to, anyway. About the only time he ever stepped foot in the library was to print off a paper for class, since it was free to students. That was all on the first floor. There were four floors total, plenty of space for him to hide out for a bit. Where to go?

Sicheng decided to head to the lowest level. No windows to give away his location, and he could turn lights on at night without worry. The vending machines were up two floors, which was annoying, but hey. At least he had options for snacks. Sicheng wasn't going to leave until he had a plan. He couldn't trust that the fluke of the door being unlocked would happen twice.

The blond followed a winding corridor, which eventually led to a little nook that had a fluffy chair in the corner. Good enough. He sat down and rummaged through his backpack. Most of his clothes were packed, though in his haste, he'd left his winter coat at Taeil's. A tragic oversight, but too late now. He had toiletries, so at least he could brush his teeth, but whore baths at the bathroom sink would have to do. Ugh. It had been years since he'd had to do that.

Sighing, he took his phone charger out of its pocket and plugged it into the wall. At least he could use the school's wifi. Who else could he call?

~

Taeil had spent most of the morning moping, his nose stuffed up, salt crusted at the corners of his eyes. He had texted Yukhei first thing, knowing the blond would head his direction. The younger boy had texted Taeil as he boarded his flight to Hong Kong, saying that he'd kicked Sicheng out, didn't know where he was, and wouldn't speak on the matter further unless an emergency presented itself. Which only made Taeil cry harder.

He didn't know any of Sicheng's friends. Or clients. Yukhei was his only ally, and he was leaving the country. Taeil's mind went to the darkest places, imagining Sicheng overdosing, or assaulted, or frozen dead in the snow. This was all his fault somehow.

Taeil left the apartment. He would just look for Sicheng on foot.

~

Sicheng spent three days in the library before he got caught. A security guard, who couldn't have been much older than he was, approached him while he was reading a Michael Crichton novel. Sicheng sighed, marking his place before addressing the man.

"Come to arrest me?"

"No. Just wondering how you got in. Haven't found any busted windows yet."

"You won't find any. Not from me anyway. Front door was open. Believe me, I was just as shocked as you are."

Sicheng looked at the man in front of him. He had a sweet face, his brown hair a little longer than what the blond would have thought appropriate for his job title. The name on his badge read "Kun Qian."

"You're from China, too?"

The man stepped back from Sicheng. He seemed flustered by the question.

"Yeah. Moved here for high school. You?"

"Sponsored student here. Do I need to leave?"

Officer Qian pondered the question for a few moments. He decided not to answer, instead offering a question of his own.

"Why are you squatting here?"

Sicheng smiled.

"I fucked up royally. I have no place to go."

"But it's almost Christmas."

The blond nodded, opening the book back up. If this guy wasn't going to kick him out, he was going to return to his routine.

"You literally plan on staying here until term starts?"

Sicheng nodded, his eyes focused on the page in front of him. He knew it was fiction, but he could believe that the Andromeda Strain had actually happened.

"Come with me."

"You said you weren't arresting me."

"I'm not. My shift is over. I walk through the library as a short cut. Thought I'd give it a once over while I was here. Found you. Come on. I'll buy you dinner."

Sicheng looked up at him. He hadn't had real food since he left Taeil's. The offer was tempting, his stomach growling. He shook his head.

"Thanks, but no thanks."

"Oh, come on. No one should be alone on Christmas."

"You're not going to leave without me, are you?"

Officer Qian shook his head.

Sicheng rolled his eyes, shoving his belongings back into his bookbag. It was good while it lasted.

"I wish you were arresting me. Prisoners get three meals a day."

"Ha. They'd love you in prison."

~

Sicheng had been shocked to find that Officer Qian could actually be quite fun. The two had walked up to one of the local bars around campus, and 4 chicken strips, 2 orders of fries, and 3 beers later, everything felt a whole lot lighter than it had a few hours ago.

Kun was now up at the front of the bar, mic in hand, singing Careless Whisper, while Sicheng tried not to fall off his chair laughing. Kun paid him no mind, giving the performance everything he had. All theatrics aside, Sicheng really liked his voice.

"Encore! Encore! Wooooooooo!!!"

Kun laughed as he took a seat on the barstool next to Sicheng. It felt good to see the younger boy smile. The blond had smiled at him plenty since leaving the library, but this one, this one was genuine. Kun had so many questions, but decided to not ruin the moment. Something major must have happened for him to not be surrounded by family and friends at this time of year, and while he was painfully curious, he wasn't cruel.

"You want another beer?"

"Let's go some place else!"

"This is the only bar I know."

"I know where we can go."

There. The fake smile again. Whatever fleeting happiness had struck the blond was gone. Kun missed it immediately.

"Sure. I'll get the tab. Be right back."

~

Sicheng walked arm in arm with Kun, who had offered him his coat, but Sicheng had turned him down, thinking this was a better option. It wasn't, but he wasn't quite sure if it was because he kind of liked Kun, or if it was because he was still really cold.

Either way, they turned down an alley, and Kun just stopped walking.

"Where the fuck are we?"

"Gay club. Underground. What? Was I wrong about you?"

"Well, not exactly."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not...totally gay. I'm actually bisexual."

"Equal opportunity. Nice."

Sicheng dragged Kun toward the side entrance of the club. He knew the guy working the front would never let him back in after his previous visits to the club. Sicheng really should find a different place, but they overpoured and undercharged, so he could hardly just walk away.

He knew it was stupid to bring Kun here. Precisely why he did it. The place was crawling with clients, friends of the powder. Surely one of them would have a couch he could crash on. Added bonus if they scared the poor kid off.

"Sicheng. It's been a while."

Ugh. The last voice he wanted to hear, but probably the easiest person to manipulate.

"Ten. Too long, really."

Ten smiled at the younger boy, his teeth brilliant somehow in the darkness of the club.

"Who's your friend?"

"This is Kun."

Ten extended a hand to the brunette, smile plastered across his face. Sicheng knew what he was thinking, and mouthed "no" to Ten. Ten just laughed.

"Was on my way to the bar. You guys want something?"

"I'll come with you."

Kun leaned over to Sicheng.

"I don't trust him."

Sicheng snorted. Kun may have been innocent, but he wasn't naive. A notion that tickled the blond immensely. Maybe he didn't have to feel so guilty about bringing him here.

"Very wise, Officer Qian."

Ten glared at Sicheng, but grabbed Kun by the arm, and dragged him to the bar. He wasn't prepared to let this one go by any stretch of the imagination.

"How do you know Sicheng?"

"Found him loitering on campus. How do you know Sicheng?"

"Oh, you know. I know him biblically. Fuck him when he needs it."

Everything all fell together for Kun. That explained it, why Sicheng kept him at arm's length, why he shifted in and out of moods, why things didn't seem genuine. Kun nodded at Ten, not knowing how to respond.

"Just thought you should know. You seem sweet."

"So does he."

Ten shook his head, a wry smile on his face. He patted Kun's shoulder as he took a swig of his whiskey.

"Famous last words. It's your call, of course."

With that, Ten walked away from Kun. Kun was grateful. He couldn't stand how he had spoken about Sicheng. Even the worst person should get some respect, and he was sure that Sicheng wasn't anywhere near that bad. Kun turned to order a drink for himself and for Sicheng.

It was like Ten had a radar for finding Sicheng. Although, he was sitting in the same spot he had been that first night. Ten knew Sicheng wanted to be found. He was happy to oblige.

"What are you doing with him?"

"Hopefully, nothing."

"Oh, have you magically manifested a heart recently?"

Sicheng flipped Ten off. God, he hated him.

"He found you loitering? Guess that means your boyfriends both kicked you out."

"I left. They weren't my boyfriends."

"Need a place to stay?"

Ten reached out to push Sicheng's bangs off his forehead. The touch made the blond's skin crawl. But he didn't have much choice.

"For a bit."

"Well, you're welcome to ride the couch. Among other things."

Sicheng nodded to keep from running away. He hated Ten. Not because he was unattractive or cruel, but because he always seemed to find a way to make Sicheng feel like a possession, not a person.

"We can go whenever you're ready.

"Give me an hour. I want to let him down gently."

Ten smirked as he walked away.

~

"There you are! This place is nuts."

Sicheng took his beer from Kun, downing half of it in one big gulp. Liquid courage was the only way he was going to get through this.

"You're leaving with him, huh?"

Sicheng about dropped the bottle in his hands. Either Kun and Ten had spoken, or this guy could read people from across the street.

"You don't have to, you know? My parents have plenty of space at their house. I'm crashing there now to save up some money. They'd love to have you."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"Well, dinner is at 17:00 on Christmas Day. Give me your phone."

Sicheng handed it over, Kun calling himself. Because he knew Sicheng would just delete his number. This kid was smart.

"Give me a call if you change your mind. I'll text you the address."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you deserve more. You just don't know it yet. Come on. I'll walk you out."

~

Kun brought Sicheng to Ten's car, anger in his chest.

"Take care of him. I know how to find and deal with people like you."

"Oooooh, officer. Maybe I should take you home instead."

Ten got in the driver's seat and sped off. Kun was sure to write down the make and model of the car, as well as the license plate. He also had turned the location on on Sicheng's phone. When things went to shit, he'd be there. And he'd enjoy nailing Ten's ass to the wall.


	7. Casual Affair

"Hey, a casual affair  
That could go anywhere  
And only for tonight  
Take any moment, any time  
A lover on the left  
A sinner on the right"

Ten reached over and gave Sicheng's thigh a squeeze. He knew the younger boy hated him, had always hated him. Anyone else would have been devastated by that fact, but Ten wasn't just anyone. He could read Sicheng across the county line, knew all the lies he told, games he played. Maybe that was the reason it didn't hurt. Ten saw Sicheng for exactly what he was: a user who would take until there was nothing left, and then find a way to make you feel bad for being the husk of the person you used to be. He loved the blond, not in a romantic way, but because Sicheng made him feel less shitty about his own character defects.

"You could pretend to be grateful, you know."

Sicheng threw Ten's hand back into his own lap.

"Why lie? You already know you're a last resort."

Ten gave a half smile, the right corner of his mouth pulled back in a smirk. That probably was the truth. Sicheng had tried, and failed, to burn his bridge with Ten when he had taken Taeil up on his offer. Other clients wouldn't have bothered with the blond, would have found it to be too much drama. But not Ten. No, Ten had laughed in Sicheng's face.

"I knew you'd be back."

Sicheng shifted in his seat, eyes staring unfocused out the window as the city swirled around him. Ten must be taking him to the penthouse. At least it had a great view of downtown. A tiny victory.

~

Ten pressed Sicheng up against the wall of the elevator, knee in between the younger boy's legs. Sicheng yawned. His body had long since stopped responding to Ten's touch, but he knew better than to pull away. It was easier to just let Ten have his way.

Ten bit down into Sicheng's shoulder, a desperate attempt at claiming ownership, though he needn't have bothered. Sicheng wasn't going to say or do anything to fuck up this arrangement. The older man had more money than God, and had no issue spending it on Sicheng. He didn't even have to pretend to like Ten. If he wanted to mark him up in exchange for a roof, food, clothes, a car...Sicheng would let him.

The elevator door finally opened, and Ten detached himself from Sicheng.

"You remember where everything is? Go get cleaned up."

Sicheng nodded, moving off toward the bedroom. He desperately needed a bath. There was an en suite bathroom bigger than Taeil's living room. A good soak would set his mood straight.

Except the tub was already occupied.

"Jesus! I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone would be in here."

A man with red hair smiled back at Sicheng.

"Ten didn't tell me he was bringing someone back. Where are my manners? Hi. I'm Taeyong."

Taeyong stood up, suds hardly hiding any of his anatomy from Sicheng, who did his best to keep his eyes on Taeyong's face. A somewhat easy task. Taeyong was by far the most beautiful person Sicheng had ever seen in his whole life. Sicheng took his outstretched hand and shook it.

"Sicheng. You're dating Ten?"

Taeyong laughed, a wheeze sounding in his throat.

"Does Ten date anyone? I'm sure you're here for the same reason I am."

Sicheng would have flushed if he had any shame left.

"Well, like I said, I wasn't expecting anyone to be using the tub. I'll go to the guest bathroom. See you."

"Sicheng, wait."

The blond locked eyes with the redhead in the mirror over the sink.

"You can join me, if you'd like."

Sicheng let his eyes wander at Taeyong's reflection in the mirror. Somehow, it felt more perverted than actually staring at him. He turned back around.

"I'm sure we'll have plenty of opportunities for that. Not tonight."

Taeyong's bottom lip jutted out, but he nodded and waved, giving Sicheng permission to leave.

~

"You still have clothes on?"

Ten chuckled as Sicheng reentered the living room. Sicheng rolled his eyes at the elder.

"There was a naked man in your bathroom. I daresay you have a type, Ten."

"Oh, you found Taeyong. I wasn't sure he'd be here when we got back. He was pouting when I left. Whining about how he never gets to prowl anymore."

"Why would he need to when he has your attention?"

"Exactly."

Sicheng let the conversation drop, turning down the hallway and finding the guest bathroom, thankfully, unoccupied. No time for a long soak now. He needed a hot shower to peel off the layer of disgust he felt. Money and security were appealing, sure, but to see another person in the same situation he was in, made his skin crawl.

~

When Sicheng finally returned to the living room, he found Ten sitting on the couch with Taeyong sitting in his lap. He felt immense gratitude toward the redhead. With any luck, he wouldn't have to interact with Ten at all.

"Isn't he pretty, Yonggie?"

Taeyong smiled brightly at Sicheng as he nodded. Taeyong had been told his entire life how gorgeous he is, but if he were honest, he thought the blond had him beat. Normally, that thought would ruffle his feathers, but not with Sicheng. He wasn't sure why.

"Will you sit with us?"

Sicheng sat at the other end of the couch, annoyed by the way Ten was smothering Taeyong. It bothered him that someone so beautiful could be tainted by someone like Ten. The gratitude he felt slipped away as the need to protect Taeyong flooded his consciousness. He scooted closer to the pair, hand reaching out to touch Taeyong's arm.

Taeyong's focus immediately shifted to the blond. He locked their fingers together, holding tight. Sicheng's eyes were searching Taeyong's face, trying to secretly communicate concern. It made the redhead smile.

"Tennie. We need a nickname for Sicheng."

"Hmmm. Whatcha thinking, kitten?"

Sicheng smiled a bit. Taeyong did look like a cat. It suited him.

"I dunno. Cupcake? Because he looks so sweet and soft, and I wanna chew on him."

Ten laughed. He figured this would happen, that Taeyong would be immediately taken with the blond. It couldn't be helped. Sicheng was just one of those people that drew others in. Why fight it?

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

Taeyong looked from Ten to Sicheng, who merely nodded. Anything to get the redhead away from Ten. Taeyong slid from Ten's lap into Sicheng's, both hands on the younger boy's chest.

"Hi."

"Hey."

Taeyong's eyes searched Sicheng's, looking for any hint of disapproval or hesitation. He didn't find any. It was odd how right it felt to be this close to him so soon. Taeyong could be pretty guarded at times, but it didn't feel necessary somehow with Sicheng.

Sicheng leaned back, exposing his neck to Taeyong. An act of submission that the redhead had no intention of taking. That wasn't how he operated. He took Sicheng's face in both hands, forcing the younger boy to meet his eyes again. Taeyong leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to the apple of each of Sicheng's cheeks. Before pulling away, he rubbed his nose against the blond's.

"Tennie. Let's watch a movie."

"I'm perfectly content just watching you two."

Taeyong whined until he got his way. He settled in between the two other men, warm and content, never letting go of Sicheng's hand. When he finally fell asleep, Ten locked eyes with Sicheng.

"You're in trouble, and you don't even know it."

"I'm not afraid of you, Ten."

"I wasn't talking about me."

~

Sicheng awoke to a sharp pain in his scalp.

"I'm sorry. I found a knot in your hair."

Sicheng found himself laying with his head in Taeyong's lap, the sun just starting to come up. The redhead had apparently woken up early, adjusting the younger boy's position on the couch, and comforting him by running his fingers through his hair. Until he caught a snag and woke him up.

"Where's Ten?"

"Gone. Didn't ask. Don't really care."

Sicheng sighed, nuzzling his face against Taeyong's belly. He felt really cozy with the older boy.

"Good. Keep going. I'm still tired."

Taeyong smiled down at the boy. He continued to run his fingers along Sicheng's scalp, the blond falling back asleep within minutes. Taeyong didn't move other than his hand, for fear of disturbing Sicheng's sleep. He stayed there another two hours, before his stomach betrayed him.

Sicheng opened a bleary eye at the growling next to his ear. He was startled, to say the least.

"Morning, cupcake. Let me make you some breakfast."

Sicheng stretched, hands rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He wrapped his arms around Taeyong.

"You don't have to do that, Yonggie."

"I want to."

Sicheng sat up, a yawn silencing any chance of protest. Taeyong had already gotten up and headed to the kitchen. Sicheng knew for a fact that Ten never cooked, and rarely had food in the house. Following Taeyong in, he voiced his concern.

"So what's it gonna be? A spoonful of peanut butter?"

Taeyong laughed.

"Maybe before I was around. See for yourself."

Taeyong gestured toward the fridge and cabinets. Sicheng was surprised to find the kitchen fully stocked. This was certainly a new development.

"Wow."

"I don't like how he treats me in public, so I keep food in the house as an excuse to never go out. Works six days out of seven, which is good enough for me."

Sicheng understood immediately. Ten didn't treat you like a friend if you were on his arm. You were a prize, an object, and he made sure that everyone around him knew that.

"What'll it be? Pancakes? Waffles? Eggs? Cereal? Toast?"

"Well, waffles are definitely out."

"Because they're soggy and gross? Agreed."

"Yes! Exactly! The divots just trap the syrup, and what should be crisp is just...disappointing."

"Pancakes it is then. There's fruit in the fridge. Pick whatever you like."

Sicheng grabbed a box of strawberries and a box of blueberries off the shelf and set them on the island. Taeyong was making quick work of the pancakes. Sicheng watched him in fascination. He could burn toast if he wasn't careful. Watching someone move with such ease around the kitchen always captivated him.

"Gimme a strawberry, please."

Sicheng grabbed one from the box and moved to stand next to the redhead. Taeyong didn't stop cooking, but merely turned his head, mouth slightly open. Sicheng blushed. Feeding Taeyong the strawberry could have been completely innocent, but it felt too intimate to not have meaning behind it.

Taeyong smirked as he chewed, hip bumping Sicheng to get him to go take a seat. He didn't like being crowded while he cooked. The kitchen was his, and he wanted to keep it that way.

"How many do you want?"

"Three. What do you want to drink? I can at least handle that."

"There's orange juice and milk in the fridge. You can make coffee or tea, too. I'll have whatever you have."

Sicheng walked back to the fridge, pulling out a gallon of chocolate milk. It made him feel like a child to drink it, but it was his favorite.

Taeyong watched as the younger boy stood on tiptoes to grab two glasses out of the cabinet, his stomach peeking out from under his shirt. He shook his head to clear it. No time for that right now.

Sicheng poured a glass for himself and Taeyong, then took a seat on a barstool next to the island. He watched as the redhead made stacks of pancakes, absentmindedly popping blueberries into his mouth.

Taeyong brought him his stack first, along with butter and syrup.

"Eat up."

"I should wait for you."

"They'll be cold by then. Go for it."

Sicheng nodded. He slathered each pancake with butter before drowning them in syrup. Breakfast food was the one thing he loved about America. Just fat and delicious.

He was halfway through his stack when Taeyong joined him. The elder only had two pancakes on his plate, which were both significantly smaller than Sicheng's.

"Hey. Is that enough?"

"Plenty. I don't normally eat much at breakfast. Wait til lunch. You'll wonder where I put it all."

Sicheng smiled, appeased. Taeyong was skinny, even skinnier than he was. He didn't like the idea of the redhead not eating.

"Plus, I need to cut back a bit. I ate everything in sight on Christmas."

Christmas. The day had come and gone without Sicheng even realizing it. He had been in the library and missed it. Renjun's face flashed before his eyes. God, he didn't want to do this right now.

"Do you smoke? I'm all out."

Taeyong nodded.

"There's a pack in my coat. Grab yours, too. I'll head out with you."

"I don't have one."

"I have extra. Come on."

~

Sicheng gave serious thought to jumping from the balcony. They were fifteen stories up. The fall would kill him for sure. He felt guilty for not being consumed with thoughts of Renjun on Christmas, the way he had been for the past thirteen years. Renjun should be graduating high school, but he was in the ground. Sicheng longed to join him.

"You okay? You seem to be somewhere else?"

Sicheng snapped his focus to Taeyong, eyes slowly registering the man sitting across from him.

"Yeah. Just. This time of year is tough for me."

"Ten said you're from China. Being away must be hard."

Sicheng nodded. He let the lie be a comfort to Taeyong. The elder certainly didn't need to know the truth.

"Let's finish up. It's cold."

~

Ten had arrived home while the two had been out on the balcony. Taeyong hurried to give Ten a kiss before heading back into the kitchen to clean up the breakfast dishes. Sicheng gave a cold wave before leaving for the guest bedroom.

He flopped down on the bed, content to just sleep. He pulled his phone out, looking for something to read to make his eyes tired. Maybe it was time to go through his texts.

Sicheng had muted just about everyone in an attempt to truly disappear for a bit. There were seventeen texts from Taeil, two from Kun, three from Johnny. Nothing from Yukhei. Deciding he wasn't in a good headspace, Sicheng closed out of his messages and threw his phone down onto the bed. It all could wait.

~

Sicheng awoke to find the other half of his bed occupied. Sometime while he had dozed off, Taeyong had snuck in to cuddle him. The elder was worried about the blond, an odd feeling for him, since he didn't typically get close to people. Sicheng was different, though.

Sicheng kissed Taeyong's nose, which scrunched up on contact. The redhead reached out to him in his sleep, and Sicheng obliged, scooting closer to him. As Sicheng snuggled into Taeyong, he felt something against his leg. Oh.

"I'm sorry, cupcake."

Taeyong slowly opened his eyes to find Sicheng staring back at him. He supposed he should have been embarrassed, but he wasn't. He leaned forward, kissing Sicheng on the mouth for the first time.

Sicheng kissed back. He didn't want to put any barriers between Taeyong and himself. The no kissing rule was for clients, and since Taeyong was definitely not a client, Sicheng kissed him with reckless abandon.

Taeyong laid back, letting the younger boy take control of things. Sicheng covered Taeyong with his body, his tongue delving into the redhead's mouth. Taeyong bit down on Sicheng's bottom lip, which made the blond groan in appreciation. Starved for actual affection for so many years, Sicheng was positive he could get off just from Taeyong's kisses and bites.

"Wow."

Sicheng sat up immediately, Taeyong pouting at the loss of contact. Ten. Typical Ten.

"Well, don't stop on my account."

Sicheng stared at Ten, an expression of annoyance and disgust clearly visible on his face.

"Tennieeeeeeee. You promised you wouldn't try to join us."

"I'm not. I'm only here to watch you."

Sicheng turned back to Taeyong, sighing. They were both painfully hard, and incredibly annoyed at their benefactor.

"Cupcake, just ignore him. Come on."

Taeyong lifted up on his elbows and placed a kiss to Sicheng's neck. Sicheng didn't want to give Ten the satisfaction of watching them do this. He was pissed that he hadn't even been in on the conversation that led up to Taeyong joining him. The elder wouldn't have even been allowed in the room, because Sicheng knew that Ten would pull something like this. But as Taeyong kissed and touched him, the world began to fall away around them, Sicheng's eyes fluttering shut as he gave in to Taeyong.

Sicheng pushed Taeyong back down, his lips kissing a trail down the elder's body. He was naked apart from his boxers, which gave Sicheng a visual feast. Sharp collarbones, small abs that contracted every time the blond sucked into the skin around them, a little scar near his right hip. Sicheng just wanted to touch...and be touched.

He pulled Taeyong's boxers down, smiling as the elder's cock slapped against his stomach. Cute. He was smaller than Ten, but that just made what Sicheng was about to do easier.

Sicheng was able to take all of Taeyong in his mouth in one go, his own dick twitching at the strangled moan that left Taeyong's lips. God. Everything about him was so damn pretty.

He bobbed his head, watching Taeyong slowly but surely fall apart. Sicheng used his tongue to abuse the underside of Taeyong's cock as he sucked, the elder becoming increasingly louder as the younger boy worked on him. Sicheng collected some of the saliva pooling at the base of Taeyong's dick, and coated his fingers with it. He pushed two inside the elder with no warning, Taeyong arching off the bed and bucking into Sicheng's mouth. Sicheng sucked in tandem with his fingers, opening Taeyong up. The younger had assumed, correctly, that it wouldn't take long to prep him, since Ten had probably slept with him recently. He tried to ignore the disgust he felt in his chest at the thought.

"Cupcake. I'm close."

Sicheng pulled off of Taeyong.

"Go ahead, kitty. I can make you come again in a bit."

Taeyong nodded, eyes closing as his hand reached out for Sicheng's hair, pulling gently. Fuck.

Taeyong came with whiny moan. Sicheng didn't miss a single drop. Taeyong tasted good. Blowjobs weren't Sicheng's favorite bedroom activity, as most guys' cum wasn't very appealing. But Sicheng would gladly suck Taeyong dry any time the elder wanted.

"Cupcake, I--"

Sicheng stopped the motion of his fingers, knowing the redhead must be hypersensitive at that point. He kissed his thighs, nibbling gently, allowing Taeyong time to process his orgasm. Sicheng wanted to be inside him, but not until he was sure the elder was ready.

Taeyong sat up, motioning for Sicheng to switch places with him. The blond was still fully clothed, an oversight that was now turning quite painful, as his dick had nowhere to go in the jeans he was wearing. Taeyong had taken notice, though, and began undressing him with haste.

Taeyong took in every inch of Sicheng's skin as he ridded the younger of his clothes. God, he was gorgeous. Long limbs, lean muscle. Perfection. Taeyong could already feel his dick springing back to life. He'd never rebounded this quickly before, but he'd never been with someone like Sicheng, either.

"Tennie. Go get us a condom."

"Way ahead of you, kitten."

Ten tossed a condom and a tiny tube of lube onto the bed next to Taeyong's thigh, as the elder removed Sicheng's pants. Sicheng was longer than he was wide, a slight disappointment for Taeyong, but nothing he couldn't work around.

Taeyong rolled the condom onto Sicheng, applying some lube as well.

"How do you want to do this, cupcake?"

Sicheng shrugged. It didn't matter, as long as he got to be inside Taeyong...and soon.

"Kitten's choice, then."

Taeyong straddled Sicheng, guiding the younger boy's dick to his entrance. He slid down slowly, until his ass was flush with Sicheng's hips. Taeyong pulled him up into a seated position, his arms and legs wrapping tightly around the blond.

"Fuck me, cupcake."

Sicheng bucked up into Taeyong as he rocked in Sicheng's lap. Sicheng moaned. Taeyong was warm and tight and so, so pretty. God.

Sicheng could see over Taeyong's shoulder as he bounced. Ten was fully clothed, with his dick pulled out through his pants' zipper hole, jacking off while watching them. Sicheng angled them slightly to the left. He didn't want to face the reality of Ten's presence in the room.

"Kitty, let me try something."

Sicheng lifted Taeyong and placed him back against the pillows. He folded the elder in half, fucking into him at a brutal pace. Taeyong moaned low in his throat, his hand searching for one of Sicheng's for comfort.

"Are you okay?"

Taeyong opened his eyes and nodded, his eyebrows knitted together as he concentrated. Sicheng could tell he was trying to find the right angle so that his prostate would be hit with each thrust. He let the elder adjust, nearly tipping over the edge himself as he finally connected with it, at the sound Taeyong made. Pure filth.

"God. Right there. Please."

Sicheng bucked his hips into Taeyong, making sure to not move away from this angle. Taeyong looked down to his own dick, then back up to Sicheng's eyes. A silent question, wanting permission to touch. Sicheng nodded immediately. His hands were busy holding Taeyong in place. There was no way he could maintain rhythm, trajectory, and touch the redhead.

Taeyong came for the second time, and it apparently caught him by surprise, a gasp ringing out in the room. Sicheng kept up; he was so close.

Taeyong squeezed his dick with his ass as he came down from his orgasm, and that was all it took. Sicheng came, collapsing and effectively crushing Taeyong under his weight.

The elder laughed, hands moving into Sicheng's hair to soothe him. After a few minutes, Ten walked over to the pair, and wiped his hand across Taeyong's left cheek. He left the room before Sicheng could register what he'd just done.

"He's so fucking gross."

Taeyong touched his cheek, already knowing full well that Ten had used his face as a napkin for his cum.

"Don't worry about him. He's leaving tonight for a business trip. He'll be gone a couple of days. Left each of us a key."

Sicheng was surprised by that. Ten normally didn't trust anyone to be in his house if he wasn't home. Taeyong must have some power over him.

"There's a party tonight. Come with me?"

Sicheng knew he should say no. Yet his mouth moved of its own accord.

"Of course."


	8. Far Too Young to Die

"Fixation or psychosis?  
Devoted to neurosis now  
Endless romantic stories  
You never could control me"

Sicheng painted his lids with gold, lined his eyes with black. A new routine. Comfortable. Familiar. It had been well over a year since he'd moved in with Ten and Taeyong full time. He'd dropped out of school, dropped anything that didn't have to do with the other two. Consumed in the love he felt for Taeyong, the hatred he felt for Ten, the despair he felt for Taeyong loving Ten. There wasn't room for anything else. And none of it mattered. Finally. Finally, he had gotten to a place where none of it mattered.

"Hi, baby."

Sicheng locked eyes with Taeyong in the mirror. His hair was purple, make up highlighting his cat like features, lip ring between his teeth. Still skinny, still gorgeous.

"You look pretty. Prettier than usual."

Taeyong smiled, walking over and wrapping his body around Sicheng's.

"Do we have time?"

Sicheng turned in Taeyong's hold. His eyes never left Taeyong's lips.

"No. Ten will be furious if we're late again. I don't feel like dealing with him today."

"I can be quick, cupcake. Please?"

Sicheng bent down and placed a wet kiss on Taeyong's lips.

"I don't want you to be quick. Come on."

Taeyong pouted, the way he always did when Sicheng refused to sway to his whims. Sicheng pinched his nose. God, he was adorable.

"At least kiss me, then."

Now that...that Sicheng had all the time in the world for.

~

Sicheng sat alone at a corner table while Ten and Taeyong mingled. He hated coming to these events. The only reason he agreed to attend was that Taeyong would need an escort when Ten inevitably shoved him aside to cozy up to a business client over a new deal. Until then, he waited.

Taeyong was beautiful. The way he walked, graceful. He could draw anyone in. That's why Ten always brought him along. If Ten could be with someone like Taeyong, it made working with him alluring. Sicheng knew it was a smart move, but it made his skin crawl. Taeyong couldn't, or more likely, refused to see that he was being used.

Taeyong had always basked in being the one chosen to be on Ten's arm, though Sicheng wasn't sure why. It wasn't like he would have ever agreed to it. Ten had never been able to control him. He wasn't stupid enough to risk a business deal by putting Sicheng front and center. Taeyong was pliant, and he truly loved Ten, for reasons that escaped Sicheng. He stewed, swirling the straw in his rum and Coke.

Speaking of coke, he wished Ten would hurry up. Tonight would be so much easier to tolerate if he were high. He wasn't allowed to have it on his person. The baggies always remained with Ten. Because he bought it. It was so annoying. Ten didn't even drink. He ruined everything.

Taeyong leaned away from Ten and the conversation, locking eyes with Sicheng. He jerked his head toward the bathroom. Odd. Ten clearly hadn't dismissed him yet. Sicheng nodded, confusion evident on his face. Taeyong gave him a dazzling smile, before whispering something into Ten's ear.

~

"You're early. You're gonna be in trouble."

"I don't care. I'm fucking bored."

Taeyong threw a baggy onto the sink countertop. Sicheng's pupils dilated.

"How?"

"Had it in his back pocket. Went in for a butt squeeze and nicked it. He's getting sloppy."

"Nah, he just trusts you."

Taeyong giggled.

"Stupid. So stupid."

~

Taeyong left the bathroom first. Sicheng had to stay behind for two reasons. 1. It would be suspicious for them to leave together, and 2. His nose wouldn't stop bleeding. He was going to have to start rubbing it on his gums. Clearly, his nose had had enough.

He thought back to a night he often replayed in his mind. Taeil with a wash cloth, standing between his legs. A kiss on neglected lips. His heart gave a dull throb.

"It's better this way, Sicheng. Pull yourself together."

~

When Sicheng was finally able to leave the bathroom, he found Taeyong sitting alone at his table. The elder gave him a small wave as he crossed the room.

"We have to stop meeting like this. People are going to start talking."

Taeyong smiled.

"Tennie says we can leave. Let's get out of here."

Sicheng nodded, pulling Taeyong up by the hand. He didn't bother telling Ten they were going. It didn't matter. Ten didn't care.

~

Taeil stared at his phone in his hand. The text from Yukhei burned his retinas. He couldn't help but keep reading it over and over again, the words imprinting into his brain matter.

"Just left a party. Sicheng was there. Coked out of his mind. Do you want the address or not?"

Taeil didn't know what he wanted. He had given up the search for Sicheng six months after waking up to his bed empty beside him. There was shame in admitting that. He had always thought it was too soon, that he had quit too early. No one had seen him. Taeil had gone to all the bars, all the clubs, all Sicheng's old professors. Nobody had any idea where the blond was. He had found out that Sicheng had dropped out of college, and thought maybe, maybe he went back to China. But to find out that he was still nearby, it twisted his guts.

His phone pinged again.

"They're at Styx. He's with some guy. I don't know him."

Styx. Taeil pulled it up on his navigation. A seven minute walk. He grabbed his hoodie and ran out the door.

~

"Kitty? Will you get me a drink?"

Taeyong looked up, his eyes glazed over. He couldn't feel his hands. Someone had told him a long time ago that mixing uppers and downers was a bad idea. That person was a wimp.

"Cupcake, if I could stand up, I would."

Sicheng looked at the man laying in the booth next to him. Taeyong had a problem. Officially. He couldn't handle the life anymore. Sicheng rolled his eyes, the cocaine in his veins making him irritable.

"Fine. I guess I'll get it myself."

Taeyong reached for him as he stood, hands grabbing onto air as he completely missed his mark. He giggled, feeling a tingling in his lips. This was the best part of the night, when his body went completely numb.

Sicheng crossed to the bar, ordering another rum and Coke, eyes scanning the crowd.

"Your friend needs to clean up his act, or you'll both get kicked out."

Sicheng glared at the bartender.

"He's fine. Just shouldn't drink on his meds."

"I've seen you here before. In the bathrooms."

Sicheng nodded, grabbing his drink, gulping it down, and slamming the glass onto countertop. He stomped back to the booth, his mood even gloomier than it had been a few minutes prior.

Taeyong laid his head in his lap as he reclaimed his seat. Sicheng looked down at him, watched him blow kisses in his direction. He loved Taeyong; he really did. But he hated this.

"Sichenggie. Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not, Yonggie."

"You are. Let me fix it."

Sicheng rolled his eyes as he felt Taeyong snake his arms around his waist. His solution for everything. Sicheng shivered at the realization that he and Taeyong were more alike than he cared to admit.

Taeyong had pulled the hem of Sicheng's shirt up, lips making their way across the expanse of his stomach. Sicheng felt heat coil in his belly, the way it always did when Taeyong touched him. Maybe he was too hard on the elder.

"Come on. Not out here."

Taeyong nodded, excitedly, the movement making him dizzy. Sicheng half carried Taeyong off to one of the back VIP rooms reserved for them. Well, for Ten. But they had his credit card, so what did it really matter?

The elder flopped down onto the couch, pulling Sicheng down on top of him. Sicheng licked into Taeyong's mouth, his hands shoving his shirt up. Taeyong arched into the touch, a gasp leaving his lips as Sicheng's hips met his own. His body felt heavy, the sensation dulled. Taeyong's lids slipped closed, his breathing deep, his reaction time slowed.

Sicheng sat up.

"I can't fuck you when you're like this. It's like sticking my dick in a corpse."

"Rigor mortis makes you stiff."

Taeyong giggled at his own joke. Sicheng rocked back on his heels, sighing in exasperation.

"You're too serious all the time, cupcake. Why don't you let me help you?"

Sicheng stared at Taeyong. They had had this fight multiple times before. The elder didn't say no to anything he was given. Pot, coke, meth, ecstasy, heroin, ketamine...it didn't matter. Sicheng hated it. He'd never tried downers, figured he was down enough as it stood. Cocaine made him lash out, but it kept him motivated.

"How many times do we have to fight about this?"

"None. Here. Take a bump. You're annoying."

Taeyong tossed the baggy to Sicheng. He didn't want to do another line. But maybe one more would snap him out of his irritation. Couldn't hurt to try.

Sicheng cut a line on the arm of the sofa, and said a silent prayer that his nose would hold itself together. He knew almost immediately upon snorting the line that something was wrong.

"Taeyong. What the fuck is this?"

"What do you mean? It's your favorite."

"Whatever that was, it wasn't cocaine."

Taeyong sat up slowly, his head flopping to the side. He looked at Sicheng with unfocused eyes. As the blond's face became clearer, so did the picture of what just happened.

"Fuck. What color is the zip on the baggy?"

Sicheng furrowed his eyebrows together.

"The what?"

Taeyong groaned.

"The ziplock. What color is it? When you slide it closed?"

Sicheng grabbed the baggy.

"Green. Why?"

"Please. Please, don't be mad at me. I didn't do it on purpose."

"WHAT DID YOU GIVE ME?!"

"Cocaine baggies are purple. Green is for ketamine."

Sicheng stood up and slapped Taeyong across the face.

"How could you be so stupid? Why are you in charge of the drugs? You can't even find your dick right now."

"Baby, I'm sorry."

Taeyong reached out, trying to hold Sicheng, to soothe him. Sicheng jerked out of his arms, his right fist connecting with Taeyong's jaw. The elder crumpled, immediate snores ringing out into the room. Taeyong was unconscious.

"FUCK. FUCK."

Sicheng grabbed his phone. He scrolled through his contacts until he found who he was looking for.

"Pick up, you cocksucker."

It took four rings.

"Sicheng. I'm busy."

"Yeah, well, I don't give a fuck. Taeyong's knocked out at Styx. You need to deal with it."

"Why can't you deal with it?"

"Because he gave me ketamine, and I'm going to be worthless in about ten minutes."

"I knew you'd fuck it up eventually."

Ten hung up. Sicheng ran.

~

Taeil had no idea how he was supposed to find Sicheng at Styx. It was dark, only low light at the tables. He could hardly see his own hand in front of his face. There was no way he could spot the blond like this.

He was just about to give up the search, when someone basically fell into him. Taeil couldn't believe it. Sicheng.

"Sicheng? Oh, my God. Are you alright?"

Sicheng glanced up at the man who had broken his fall. He couldn't place him. The guy looked so familiar; he knew that voice. Oh. Oh, no.

"Taeil?"

"We gotta get you home."

"No. Leave me. Taeil. Don't."

Taeil mustered up every ounce of strength and threw Sicheng over his shoulder. The younger boy didn't have any fight left in his muscles, his body sagging and allowing Taeil to carry him out.

"Just call me a cab, Taeil."

"No. You're not going back wherever you've been. This is over now, Sicheng. You hear me? It's done. Stop it."

Sicheng was caught off guard by Taeil's gruff tone. He'd never spoken to him that way. Instead of anger, Sicheng felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness. He hiccupped on a sob, doing his best to choke it down. Not here. He had to hold himself together.

Taeil pulled his phone out. He wasn't sure who to call. He wasn't sure who would pick up. In the end, he dialed the only number he could think of.

"Yuta? Hey. I need your help."

~

Yuta hadn't heard from Taeil in a while. They had met up, discussed what happened, exchanged apologies. Not because he cared to mend things, but because he couldn't bear to watch Johnny mope around anymore.

He was surprised to get such a panicked call. They had only sent a text here and there, hadn't seen each other in person since they hugged each other goodbye at his house. Taeil had his life together. If he needed help, that could only mean one thing.

"You found him, huh?"

~

Yuta drove to Styx and found Taeil sitting on the ground, Sicheng slumped in his lap. If a cop had passed by, the blond would have been up shit creek without a paddle. Yuta parked, hopped out of the car, and helped Taeil load Sicheng into the back seat.

"I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry."

"Another time. Your house or the hospital?"

Taeil let out a harsh breath.

"I don't know. I've never seen him like this."

"Is he drunk?"

"I don't think so. He was drunk at the party. That's not what this is."

Yuta sighed. He wanted to drive to the hospital, open the door, and push Sicheng out. Let the nursing staff figure him out. Get Taeil away from him as quickly as possible. But he knew better.

"I'll take you guys back to the house. We can all take turns watching him. If he doesn't snap out of it in a few hours, I'll take him to the ER. By myself. Okay?"

Taeil didn't have much choice. He'd already fully overstepped in even calling Yuta. To have him look after Sicheng at all was far beyond what Taeil could ask.

"Okay."

~

"Oh, no. No. Turn back around. Absolutely not."

Johnny took the sight of Yuta and Taeil carrying a bumbling Sicheng inside his home about as well as Taeil had envisioned. Which was not well at all.

"I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't get him back to my place on my own."

"You shouldn't even be near him! How did you find him?!"

Yuta sighed, tossing the blond boy onto the couch.

"Yukhei."

Johnny looked at his boyfriend with confusion.

"That doesn't make any sense. Yukhei wrote him off. You know that."

"Yeah, well, he still lets loose on occasion. And Sicheng just happened to be there."

Johnny still didn't understand.

"So why didn't he deal with this?"

Taeil threw his hands in the air.

"He did deal with it. He texted me. That's how I found him. Yukhei saw him fucked up, and he couldn't be around it. So he texted me."

Johnny crossed his arms. He was angry. Angry that Yukhei had brought Taeil into this mess. Angry that Taeil allowed himself to be brought into it. Angry that Sicheng was on drugs. Angry that he was passed out on his couch. Angry that Yuta was involved. Just. Angry.

"I refuse to be a part of this bullshit. No more. You guys want to baby him and hurt yourselves? Go for it. I'm going to bed. Be gone by morning, Taeil."

"Johnny, you can't just--"

"Yuta, I absolutely can. My name is on the lease. Not yours. Not Taeil's. Not Sicheng's. This is my house. Be gone by morning, Taeil."

Yuta looked like he'd been slapped across the face. Taeil cast his gaze down to his lap. Here he was, yet again, causing turmoil over a boy that didn't deserve his time. But he couldn't stop. He had to protect him.

Johnny walked out of the room, climbing the stairs up to his bedroom. Taeil walked over to Yuta, tried to hold his hand. Yuta slapped Taeil's hand away from him, eyes glaring at the elder.

"You better hope he wakes up on his own."

~

Sicheng opened his eyes, bleary. He looked around. He wasn't at Styx. Taeyong wasn't with him. The pieces all started to come together in his mind. The couch was familiar. And there, off on a side table, a photo in a frame. Johnny and Yuta. Oh, no.

Sicheng sat bolt upright. He needed to get out of here. Immediately.

"Oooof!"

Sicheng looked down. He had just stepped on someone laying next to the couch. Taeil. Fuck.

"That hurt, you know?"

Sicheng scrambled to the other end of the couch, his limbs not quite cooperating, his brain on overdrive. He made it halfway to the front door before Taeil tackled him.

"We can do this the hard way or the easy way, Sicheng. It's your choice."

"Get the fuck off me, Taeil."

"No. I have nothing better to do today than to sit on you until you figure it out."

Sicheng squirmed in Taeil's hold. He'd gotten stronger since the last time he'd seen him. Granted, Sicheng had lost a good fifteen or twenty pounds since going back to Ten. Taeil probably had a good thirty-five pounds on him now.

As the two struggled for dominance, Johnny entered the room.

"Taeil. What did I tell you?"

Taeil looked up, annoyed.

"Really, Johnny? You want to do this now?"

"I don't want to do it at all."

The two men glared at each other, the tension between them reaching a boiling point. But when Johnny spoke, it wasn't to Taeil.

"Sicheng, you have two options. You can go with Taeil, back to his apartment, and let him lick your wounds, or you can stay right where you are, I'll call the police, and you'll be on a flight back to China this afternoon. You have about thirty seconds to decide."

~

Sicheng sat in the back of the cab. He didn't want to be near Taeil, but he couldn't stand the thought of returning to China with nothing. His parents were right to disown him. The distance made it easier to swallow that fact.

Taeil sat next to Sicheng, but he may as well have been on another planet. There was nothing he could do or say. Sicheng, even in the same car, was out of reach, untouchable. Taeil couldn't help the silent tears that streamed down his face. He pulled out his phone, sending the one person he could a text.

"I have him, Yukhei. I'm taking him back to the apartment. I need help."

Minutes ticked by before Taeil felt his phone vibrate in his hand.

"Taeil, I'm sorry. I can't help you. I can't drown with you two anymore. I'm glad he's safe. Take care of yourself."

Taeil let his phone drop into his lap. What the fuck was he supposed to do? Why the fuck did he still care?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters to go. This fic is slowly eating me alive. As always, I live and breathe off your kudos and comments. They are much appreciated. Thank you for sticking with me. If you want to hang out, I've made a kpop twitter, where I'll be posting about updates, screaming about comebacks, and just being the mess I am. I'm too stupid to embed the link to it, so follow me @KmsmittyA if you feel inclined. I'd love to "meet" you guys and chat. Once again, thanks for reading. Have a great day!


	9. Collar Full

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, read the tags before you get too deep into this one.

"Show me your love, your love  
Give me more, but it's not enough  
Show me your love, your love  
Before the world catches up  
Cause there's always time for second guesses  
I don't wanna know..."

Taeil curled his arms around the blond. The chills had set in on the second day back at the apartment. No matter what they did, Sicheng couldn't get warm, couldn't stop his teeth from chattering, his muscles tense and tired. He glared at Taeil, even more irritable than before, though that was tough to imagine.

Sicheng's appetite had returned with a vengeance, but given that he had all but stopped eating, his body rejected the food, sending it up and out almost immediately. He wanted nothing more than to go out, to find someone to buy him more, to stop feeling this way.

But he couldn't. Taeil had quit the job he had worked so hard all throughout college for to stay home and babysit Sicheng. Yet another annoyance for the younger boy. He was exhausted. Guilty. Angry. And he had no one to blame but himself.

Taeil laid his head down on Sicheng's shoulder, choosing to think that the blond's attempts to get him to back off were uncontrollable muscle spasms from the chills. He hugged him tighter, willed his body heat to soothe him. Breathing deep, his nose in the crook of Sicheng's neck, he wondered how long they could both keep this up. How long it would take to break him. How long before Sicheng snuck out in the dead of night, leaving his ghost to haunt Taeil's consciousness for all time.

He didn't want to think about it. It tainted the small bubble of joy he felt in his chest for finally having him back. It was approaching the two year mark of when they had first met, that fateful night back at Johnny and Yuta's. So much had changed, and yet, everything remained the same. God. It wasn't always going to be like this, was it?

Taeil reached for Sicheng's hand, warmth meeting frozen fingers. He rubbed at the digits, trying to coax life back into them. Sicheng needed more care than Taeil could give him. He needed IV bags and counseling. Medication. Sicheng had adamantly refused, and rather than fight and lose him, Taeil had submitted, the way he always did.

There was an ugly part of his mind, one he didn't like to acknowledge, that enjoyed being Sicheng's only lifeline. He didn't delight in the blond being sick. It was more that it felt good to be needed. As much as he wanted Sicheng to be happy and healthy, he knew in his heart that Sicheng would leave once he got to that state. Taeil couldn't bear the thought of losing him again, and so he gave into Sicheng's every request, every denial. They were both drowning now, and he refused to acknowledge it.

Taeil ran his fingers through Sicheng's hair, the strands greasy to the touch. He hadn't been able to shower since returning back to the apartment, his muscles slow and atrophied.

"Sicheng? Wanna try to take a bath? I can help you."

Sicheng clenched his jaw. Hard. He absolutely did want to take a bath. The grime of the past couple of days was slowly eating him alive. He didn't, however, want Taeil anywhere near him. It was bad enough to sit here on the couch, the elder cocooned around him. To be naked, helpless, in the tub, Taeil's eyes and hands on him... Sicheng couldn't bear it.

"Maybe later. I'm tired."

Taeil nodded against his neck.

"Later. Sure."

~

Sicheng sat across from Taeil, picking at his dinner. He couldn't eat the way his body wanted him to. It had to be slow, small portions of bland food. Otherwise, it was going to make a reappearance. He could feel the stomach acid in his throat.

"You okay?"

Taeil was looking at him with pain on his face. Anger prickled across his skin. He didn't need pity, absolutely hated the whole idea of it. His actions put him here. It was his fault, no one else's. How could Taeil feel sorry for him when the blame was entirely on his own shoulders?

"Yes. Stop looking at me like I'm broken. Like I'm a fucking project for you to toil away at."

Taeil stabbed a piece of broccoli harder than he meant to, the sound of fork scraping against plate unsettling in his ears. It always had to be difficult, always a fight, always a struggle. Sicheng couldn't ever just be with him. They had to be at each other's throats, or three rooms away. There was no in between. Sicheng was a man of extremes, and no matter how hard Taeil tried, he could never find that sacred middle ground.

"You are broken. How would you like me to look at you, Sicheng? Like a piece of meat? With my hands in your hair? My cum on your face? Is that what it has to be for you to not hate me so much?"

Sicheng pushed his plate to the center of the table, crossed his arms over his chest. He pushed his tongue against his molars, the force keeping him from responding. If Taeil wanted to play this game, he would.

"Isn't that what you want? To keep me here? To have total control? Shoot me in the kneecaps so I can't ever get away from you? I see how you look at me, Taeil. It makes my skin crawl."

"Why? At least I care about you."

Sicheng rolled his eyes, scoffing at the elder.

"You don't care about me. This is selfish, and you know it. You like what I could be to you. A victory if I stay clean. A prize if I confuse my need for you with love. You know why I went back to my clients, Taeil? They don't lie. They don't want anything else from me. They don't make me feel cheap, the way you do. You eye me up and down, and call it love. It's so much worse than what they could ever do."

Taeil glared, trying to form a response. How could Sicheng compare him to a client? They used him for his body, which was the worst thing Taeil could ever imagine. Sicheng spoke again before he could.

"It's a lie, Taeil. All of this. You don't love me. You just don't want to be alone anymore."

Taeil dropped his head, unable to maintain eye contact anymore. There was truth in Sicheng's words that left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"I'm sorry that I've made you feel this way. It was not my intent."

Sicheng picked up his plate and threw it against the wall. It exploded on impact, tiny shards flying through the air, smacking the floor. He was livid.

"It's so fucking condescending, the way you apologize for everything. After all the bullshit that has gone on between us, YOU'RE the one to say sorry first? Fuck off, Taeil."

"What the fuck do you want from me, Sicheng?! Jesus Christ! I put a roof over your head, and you don't want it. Hold your hair back while you puke, and you don't want it. Give you space, and you don't want it. What in the fuck am I supposed to do?!"

"Treat me like a human being. Like a friend. Not because you hope I'll love you one day, but because it's who you are. A person that helps. Do the right thing for the right reason. Or you're no better than everyone else in my life."

~

Taeil left Sicheng alone the following day. If the blond left and got high, that was his choice. He wasn't going to stop him. He needed to let Sicheng fall on his face. It was the only way he had any chance at surviving. It was the only way both of them had any chance at surviving.

Yukhei had become a dear friend since Sicheng had disappeared from their lives. He was the only one who truly understood what it was to be spellbound by Sicheng. Taeil walked the short distance between their houses, watched as the leaves fell from the trees all around him. Autumn was beautiful. His favorite time of the year.

Yukhei was waiting for him at the door as he approached. Their weekly lunch was something he looked forward to, now that the pain had subsided. He was in a good place, was dating a sweet guy. Taeil was a reminder to not be foolish, to cherish his own wellbeing, his own peace of mind.

"Moonie. Hi."

"Hey."

~

"How's things?"

Taeil knew what Yukhei meant. It was the same question he always asked when he was talking about Sicheng. The younger boy could barely bring himself to say the blond's name, the wounds still too fresh in his heart. Taeil was proud of him for moving on, though. He knew how impossible it was to let Sicheng go, and their relationship wasn't anywhere near what it had been between Yukhei and him.

"Not great. I, uh, gotta back off, you know?"

Yukhei nodded, sadness written across his face. Taeil was a kind soul, wanted to fix everything on his own. Yukhei knew how hard taking a step back would be for the elder.

"You have to, though. It's the right thing to do."

"It just feels wrong. It feels like I'm abandoning him."

Yukhei reached out, wrapping his enormous hands around Taeil's tiny ones.

"You're giving him stability. A foundation. He has to rebuild himself. Alone. It's gotta be him, Taeil. Not as a payback for you. But in tribute to himself. You can't fix him. Nobody else can. Nobody but Sicheng."

Taeil nodded, sniffed. Yukhei was so much wiser than he could ever hope to be. It truly hurt him to look back on everything that had transpired. The hatred he'd felt. The jealousy. It was so unfair.

"I wish you two could...sort it out."

Yukhei shook his head.

"There's nothing to sort. The story of Sicheng and Yukhei is too heavy for either of us to carry. I wish him well, but I can't go back."

The front door swung open, a boy with pink hair bounding in. He ran for Yukhei, stopping short as he noticed Taeil sitting with him.

"Oh, Moon Moon. I forgot it was lunch day."

"No worries, Jungwoo. Done with classes?"

He nodded, snuggling up in Yukhei's lap. There was an ease there. An understanding. It had only been a couple months, but Taeil could see the comfort Jungwoo had brought Yukhei. They were good to each other, good for each other. It was so nice to see.

"Well, I won't intrude. Same time next week?"

Yukhei nodded, sliding out from under Jungwoo to walk Taeil to the door.

"You're both gonna be okay, Taeil. I promise."

"God, I hope so."

~

After the first month or so, Sicheng finally felt capable of doing the basics: showering regularly, eating meals, cleaning. His body had been slow to adjust, his mind foggy as the days passed. He'd only slipped up once, came home immediately afterward. It didn't bring him that rush anymore. If it wasn't fun, why do it?

Taeil kept his distance. He cooked for the pair, made small talk. Never probed too deep, just let Sicheng come to him. In the beginning, it was irritating. Just Taeil giving him exactly what he wanted, yet again. As the weeks progressed, though, the ice around Sicheng's heart began to melt, his walls started to crumble. It felt the way it had with Yukhei, which was a punch to the gut. He wasn't sure he could feel good like that again, was positive he didn't deserve to.

Slowly, they found their way to each other. Tiny things. Sicheng curling up next to Taeil on the couch as they watched horror movies. Taeil bringing a cake home for Sicheng's birthday. Sicheng buying a bag of Taeil's favorite candy for Halloween. Taeil helping Sicheng reapply to college.

~

Taeil came home one day completely exhausted. He waved at Sicheng, who was sitting on the couch, a soap opera playing in front of him, and headed straight to bed.

He had every intention of just flopping down, but there was a present lying dead center in his bed. It wasn't even Thanksgiving yet, and it was well past his birthday. What was going on?

Taeil peeled the card off the wrapping paper.

*Saw this and thought of you. Don't shake the box. -Sicheng*

Taeil felt his stomach flip, butterflies flapping against his ribcage. He tore through the paper easily, a small box in his hand. Sicheng had folded the flaps to make it easy to open. Taeil reached in, his hand connecting with a smooth dome.

A snow globe. Lumiere and Cogsworth, a rose between them.

Taeil turned it over, cranked the knob on the side. "Be Our Guest" began to chime out into the room. He felt tears prick his eyes. Sitting down on the bed, he replayed it over and over again, let the tears fall.

~

"Knock knock."

Taeil looked up. Sicheng was standing in the doorway to his room, looking oddly small given his height.

"You found it?"

Taeil nodded, his hand reaching out to Sicheng, a silent request for him to join him.

"Why?"

Sicheng sat down at the foot of the bed, his legs hugged to his chest. Present, but guarded. He couldn't meet Taeil's eyes.

"I dunno. Just felt like the right thing to do. Early Christmas present, since it's such a hard day for me."

Taeil nodded, setting the snow globe on his bedside table. Again, he reached out for Sicheng, who moved somewhat closer to him before stopping.

"It doesn't have to be so hard, you know? I think you've suffered long enough. Renjun wouldn't want you to feel this way. He was small, full of life and happiness. He'd want that for you."

Sicheng let out a ragged breath.

"I don't know how to let it go. The guilt. The anger. They've been my only friends for so long. It's like--it's like if I set it down, I'm forgetting him. Pretending it didn't happen."

Taeil scooted closer to Sicheng, taking both his hands.

"You're not forgetting Renjun by dropping that baggage. It happened. You just don't have to punish yourself anymore. Sicheng, it was an accident. You didn't mean him any harm. It was a terrible thing, but it doesn't have to rule your every waking moment. Let it go. Celebrate him, Sicheng, instead of lamenting."

"It's not that easy, Taeil."

"I know. It's impossible. But it's the right thing to do. You're 21. Two thirds of your life lived in guilt and agony. For what? It won't bring him back. You need to forgive yourself. Renjun wouldn't have blamed you for it."

Sicheng let out a sob.

"His parents did. My parents still do."

"Well, where the fuck were they? Two small children, alone at twilight, out on the snow and ice? They should have been watching you."

"Please. Don't do that. Don't shift the blame."

"I'm not. I'm just making sure that you understand that you weren't the only one who contributed to this disaster. An adult should have been with you. End of discussion. For them to blame a seven year old for their negligence...it's insane."

Sicheng curled in on himself. Taeil's words made a lot of sense, but he couldn't quite convince himself that they were the truth. Taeil curled around him, and he wrapped his arms around Taeil.

"How about instead of Christmas this year, we celebrate Renjun? And again on his birthday. Would that be okay?"

Sicheng pulled back, barely able to see Taeil through his tears.

"I'd like that. I wish you could have known him. He was the sweetest."

Taeil bit the inside of his cheek, pressed Sicheng's face to his shoulder to keep him from seeing him cry.

"Me too."

~

They grew together as the weather turned cold, snow falling, making a blanket on the ground. Movie marathons and hot chocolate became the new routine. Taeil would hold Sicheng when the itch to use became too great, wipe his tears when Renjun appeared in his dreams. Sicheng prepared to start over again, looking forward to the upcoming semester. School would be good for him. Schedules were good for him. They made him accountable, something he had avoided being for too long now. Without the cloud of cocaine fogging his mind, he could see how much time he'd wasted. With Taeil's help, he used that image as fuel to his fire, instead of a lead weight tied to his ankles.

December flew by. Instead of decorating for the Christmas season, they set up all of Taeil's snow globes. Sicheng found comfort in them, listening to their tinkling music as he prepared for the day he had dreaded for the majority of his life.

Taeil would return home to a kiss on the cheek, a bubble bath waiting for him. Sicheng would wash his hair, long fingers massaging his scalp. The elder would cook dinner, the younger doing the dishes after they ate.

It was a natural progression, when Sicheng moved from the couch to Taeil's bed at night. They slept side by side, not touching, for a while. Taeil eventually woke up with Sicheng's body wrapped around his. Soft kisses on foreheads. Gentle caresses of fingers. When Taeil finally pressed his lips against Sicheng's, it surprised them both, the warmth travelling from their mouths down to their toes. Taeil cried as he came, Sicheng buried inside him, bodies pressed together, bound by sweat. Sicheng waited until Taeil fell asleep to whisper the three words he feared most. Taeil's breathing evened out, like he already knew.

~

*Sicheng, can you come get me? I need your help. Please.*

Sicheng read the words over and over again. Could hear the voice clearly in his head. He threw his phone at Taeil.

"I don't know what to do. I haven't heard from him since you found me."

Taeil looked at the text. He didn't recognize the number, didn't know who "Kitty" was.

Sicheng paced the living room, the heels of his hands pushed into his eyes. He hadn't thought about Taeyong in months. Figured when he hadn't heard from him or Ten in the immediate aftermath, that he wouldn't ever again. But now...now everything was spiralling.

Taeil stood up, cut Sicheng's path off.

"Is he a good person?"

Sicheng stopped, hands falling to his sides.

"I'm sorry. What?"

Taeil smiled.

"I asked you if he's a good person."

Sicheng thought on it for a moment before answering.

"I guess I don't really know. He was on drugs the entire time I knew him. But he made me feel safe. So yeah. I think he's a good person."

"Find out where he is. I'll go with you."

~

Sicheng felt his skin crawl as they walked through the familiar club. He felt like he was tainting Taeil by allowing him to pass through the front door. He held the elder close; this place could swallow him whole at any moment.

"Cupcake?"

The blond barely registered the old nickname, hardly heard it over the noise in the club. When he found the voice attached to it, he could hardly recognize the man. Sunken in cheeks, yellowing skin.

"Yonggie?"

His smile was still bright, though his eyes were dead.

"What happened?"

"Things got bad after you left. He. He only gave me heroin. Told me I didn't deserve to feel good anymore. He's basically kicked me out, since I'm not pretty anymore."

Sicheng's heart clenched in his chest. Ten was a monster. He needed to know that he couldn't just use people like that, couldn't just throw them away.

"Is he here?"

"Yeah. Somewhere. I just want to go home. Help me."

Taeil moved first. He scooped Taeyong up, started carrying him toward the door. Sicheng followed, his eyes searching frantically. He didn't know if he wanted to meet up with Ten, or avoid him at all costs.

In the end, he didn't have a choice.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Ten was staring at Taeil, angrier than Sicheng had ever seen him. Taeil didn't even acknowledge him, stepping around him, still headed for the front door. Ten followed behind him, Sicheng doing his best to hold him back.

"Ten, let him go. He needs help."

"Oh, you're worried now? You left him knocked out to save your own ass. Fuck off, Sicheng."

Ten wrestled himself out of Sicheng's hold, stalking out of the club and down the alley after Taeil. Sicheng ran after him. Ten pushed Taeil from behind, knocking him and Taeyong to the ground.

"Sicheng, take him. Go."

"Taeil, no."

But Taeil wasn't listening. He'd already gotten back up, his body turned to confront Ten. Taeil ran at him, ready to tackle him to the ground.

Taeil cried out.

In the time it had taken to rush him, Ten had pulled out a knife. He had ducked under Taeil's arms and stabbed him, square in the gut.

Ten didn't even bat an eye, walked over to Sicheng.

"You took everything I loved from me. How does it feel?"

Ten kicked Sicheng in the face, his nose breaking on impact. It didn't matter. He scrambled over to Taeil, his hands covering the stab wound, trying to slow the bleeding.

"Help! Somebody help me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I cried a lot writing this chapter. I just. Oh, it all hurts. I'm so sorry. Leave me nasty comments on here and on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/KmsmittyA?s=09)


	10. The End of All Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please. PLEASE, check the tags first.

"In these coming years  
Many things will change  
But the way I feel  
Will remain the same"

Taeil coughed, blood in his throat.

"I'm sorry."

Sicheng looked down, blood from his nose pouring down his face onto Taeil's chest.

"No. You have nothing to be sorry for. Stop it. Concentrate. We're gonna get you help."

Taeil shook his head, the movement exhausting.

"Sicheng, I'm--I love you."

Tears began to mix with blood.

"I know. I've always known. I love you back. Hush now. Stay with me. Please. Please, stay with me."

Sicheng heard rustling off to the side. Taeyong had tried to stand, fallen over, cracked his head on the pavement. He screamed.

A crowd had started to form around them. People on their phones, hands over their mouths. Sicheng sobbed as he felt the change in Taeil's breathing. Labored, painful.

"Step aside!"

A police officer broke through the crowd, rushing to the couple laid out on the ground. Sicheng made eye contact with him as he radioed for backup.

"Kun?"

The officer looked up as he gave details to dispatch about the situation. It took a few moments for him to recognize the face in front of him, what with the blood and crushed in nose.

"Sicheng? What the fuck happened?"

Sicheng could only get out one word.

"Ten."

Kun closed his eyes, his stomach dropping to his feet. He'd always known it was just a matter of time.

"Hey. Hey, look at me. I've kept tabs on him. I know where to find him. He's not gonna get away with this. I promise."

Sicheng sniffed, a huge mistake, the pain in his face finally registering.

"You have to save him, Kun. Please. I can't lose him."

Kun looked down at the man before him. At the pool of blood starting to cover his shoes. He knew the truth but lied anyway.

"He'll be fine. The ambulance is on its way. Be brave."

~

Taeil died in surgery, the loss of blood too much for his body to survive. Sicheng didn't find out until the following afternoon, his own surgery taking precedent. They had no choice. His face had to be immediately reconstructed.

Sicheng had ripped his IVs out, running from the floor to try to find Taeil. He couldn't be dead. It was all a sick joke, a bad dream. He was going to turn a corner, find him sleeping peacefully in a room somewhere. He had to. He just had to.

Security tackled him as he stormed the surgical ICU floor. He fought back, finding strength in his limbs he hadn't had in years. Biting, kicking, punching, screaming. Whatever he could to get away. He had to find him.

Finally, a physician entered the scene, and offered to take Sicheng to see Taeil. He quieted immediately, tears still streaming down his face. The doctor took him to an employee elevator bank, turning a key next to the button marked "M." Sicheng felt his stomach flip as the lift made its descent down into the basement.

Upon stepping out, the doctor looked at him.

"It's going to be cold. Pull yourself together."

Why would it be cold? Taeil hated winter, hated being cold. He'd have to put in a request for more heat and blankets. It wasn't acceptable for the elder to freeze.

Sicheng ran through the doors, ready to greet him, but there was no one in the room. It was chilly; Taeil would definitely complain when he woke up. There were all these compartments lining the wall. Some had names attached to them. Sicheng scanned the tags, until he found the one he was looking for. He hit the latch, a drawer coming out of the compartment. A body covered with a white sheet. No. No. It couldn't be.

Sicheng threw the sheet back, his eyes unable to focus, to accept what was in front of him. Taeil, pale, cold to the touch, like he never had blood running through his veins. His hair pushed back from his forehead. His hands cut up from where he hit the ground.

"No. No. NO! You cannot leave me here!"

Sicheng threw himself down onto Taeil's chest, his heart breaking, tears a constant cascade down his face. He put his hands in Taeil's hair, still soft, still comforting. Sicheng jerked away when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"We did everything we could. The knife nicked a major artery. His blood loss was too great to overcome. I am truly sorry."

Sicheng squeezed his eyes shut, grit his teeth. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be true. They hadn't done enough. They'd moved too slow. Taeil would still be here if they'd only tried harder.

He stood up and slapped the doctor across the face, against his shoulders, his chest. Again and again, until he was too tired to stand. Sicheng crumpled to the floor, sobs racking his body. The doctor kneeled down in front of him.

"Come with me. I can make it go away for a little bit."

Sicheng narrowed his eyes at the man before him.

"What? Dope me up until I don't know where I am? Fuck you. No."

"You're going to need something to take the edge off. Not only about your friends, but your face as well."

Confusion smacked Sicheng in the face.

"'Friends'? What do you mean, 'friends'?"

"The other man found with you. Green hair? He overdosed. You didn't know?"

If Sicheng were capable of feeling any lower, he would have. They had gone out to save him, and he was dying by the time they got there. Taeyong was going to die anyway, and none of it mattered. Taeil was dead, and there was nothing they could have done for Taeyong. God.

Sicheng's body gave up for him, consciousness leaving him, laying him out on the cold floor of the morgue. Sleep was good. He saw Taeil in his dreams.

~

He awoke some hours later, a hand wrapped around his own. It took immense effort to open his eyes, his eyelids feeling like they weighed a metric ton each. As he waited for his eyes to focus, he made to take his hand away. It was even heavier than his eyelids. It would have to stay where it was.

"Sicheng? Can you hear me?"

Sicheng hummed. His throat hurt. Probably all the crying and screaming he'd done. He was tired. Too tired.

"I'm gonna stay with you. Keep an eye on you. Okay?"

He hummed again, the morphine in his veins dragging him off to sleep once again.

~

The next time he awoke, his head had cleared a bit. His body still felt too heavy, but at least he could open his eyes. They drifted over to the man in the chair next to his hospital bed. He was curled up, knees tucked to his chest, arm still outstretched to hold Sicheng's hand. Asleep. Worry etched across his features, but still, asleep.

"Kun?"

The name barely registered to his own ears, gravel in his throat. He swallowed before trying again, hoping to be louder this time.

"Kun?"

This time, the man next to him stirred, legs stretching out in front of him, pins and needles from being cramped up in the chair for so long.

"Hey."

Sicheng tried to wiggle his fingers at Kun in response, but was only able to lift his pinkie.

"How--how long have I been out for?"

Kun looked down into his lap, like the answer hurt him.

"You've been in and out for four days now. They've tried to keep you sedated. You were...you were tearing at your bandages. And you--you were screaming a lot."

Sicheng closed his eyes to the response. He didn't want to acknowledge it. He was angry. So fucking angry.

"Should I tell them you're awake? Do you need anything?"

He croaked out a "no," tried to shake his head, but it just flopped to the side, his chin resting on his shoulder. Whatever was in his IV was strong.

"Why are you here? Not to be rude. But. Why?"

Kun chewed on the inside of his cheek. He didn't really know what to say. Sicheng had been through plenty in the last few days; he didn't need insult added to injury here.

"I'm here because...well, there's no one else. And you shouldn't be alone right now."

"I should have blocked his number. Moved away. Somewhere they could never find me."

Kun squeezed Sicheng's hand in his own.

"You can't blame yourself for this. You were trying to do the right thing."

"I'm always trying to do the right thing. It doesn't get me anywhere. You should go."

Kun ran a hand through his hair, the thumb of his opposite hand rubbing circles into Sicheng's.

"I'm not going anywhere. We're going to get you fixed up."

"Just let me go, Kun."

"I absolutely will not."

~

Sicheng had been in the hospital for two months. Kun came every single day to see him. They had only spoken a handful of times during his stay, but Sicheng would be lying if he said he didn't find a small comfort in Kun's presence.

Kun rarely came in uniform, which was why it came as a shock to Sicheng when he burst through the door to his room that afternoon. He had a smile on his face, something Sicheng hadn't seen since they'd been reunited.

"We caught him."

"Who?"

Kun pulled the chair up closer to Sicheng's bed.

"Ten. He's been hiding out for weeks. We caught him at the airport, trying to fly back to Thailand. We have him in custody."

Sicheng's jaw dropped open. He'd just assumed that Ten would never face consequences. That his money and status would keep him safe. Tears formed behind his eyes, begging to spill over, but he choked them down.

"Are you serious?"

"Of course. My partner and I have been building a case against him in the meantime. We have camera footage from the club. A car that resembles his leaving the scene. But that won't be enough."

"What do you mean?"

Kun reached out to take Sicheng's hand. He had been looking forward to this day for months now, but now that it was here, he dreaded speaking the words he knew he needed to.

"Sicheng. I need you to testify."

Sicheng jerked out of Kun's hold, feet scrambling against the sheets, body pressed against the headboard.

"You can't ask me to do that."

"Believe me. I don't want to. But it's all circumstantial. He has the money for top lawyers, Sicheng. We don't have a choice."

"He'll kill me Kun. You can't keep me safe. He'll find a way."

Kun hit the panic button on Sicheng's bed, the one that would send help running. Sicheng screamed as they flooded his room, struggling against the injection he knew was coming.

"No! Stop! Let me go! Kun! Help me!"

Kun stood off to the side, tears streaming down his cheeks as Sicheng slowly lost consciousness, his eyes never leaving his own.

~

Sicheng had tried to remove Kun from his visitor list, but apparently, police officers can do what they want. Sicheng refused to speak to him. It didn't keep Kun from talking, though.

"The trial is scheduled for a month from today. He's trying to make us scramble, using his right to a speedy trial. I've tried to find the knife. Some DNA. Something to tie him to it. I have nothing, Sicheng."

Sicheng sat with his back to Kun. Wouldn't look at him, wouldn't respond.

"Sicheng, I can have you served with a subpoena. I really don't want to take that route."

He didn't turn around, merely flipped Kun off.

"You're going to get me killed, and you want me to go willingly. Some friend you are."

"I have a plan for all that. If you let me."

Sicheng finally turned around, a sneer on his face.

"What makes you think you've got any chance at succeeding?"

Kun threw his hands in the air.

"You're breathing now, aren't you? You think Ten hasn't sent people here to pick you off? I arrested support staff just the other day because they'd been paid off to kill you. Do you think my presence here is for my health?! Because let me tell you, it's not. I'm here because I care, and I want you to survive this, Sicheng! God damn it!"

Kun threw the chair across the room. It was the only time Sicheng had ever seen him angry. He was terrifying.

"People have tried to get to me?"

"Everyday. I'm not letting anything happen to you. They'll have to kill me first. So please. For yourself, for Taeyong, for Taeil, testify. Please."

Sicheng nodded.

"Okay."

~

Sicheng arrived to court in an armored truck, wall to wall security moving him through the tunnels of the courthouse. If Ten had flexed his muscles to try to take out Sicheng before the day of his testimony, it hadn't been enough. It wouldn't be enough.

Sicheng made a very sympathetic witness. He still had bandages across his face, still needed two more surgeries to reset his nose and cheekbones. Outwardly, the jury would see a victim, but Sicheng knew better.

The prosecution's questioning had been tough to answer, but it was methodical, matter of fact. He and Taeil had gone to the club to collect Taeyong, who had been pumped full of drugs by Ten. Upon leaving, Ten tried to stop them. Taeil went to fight back, got stabbed. Sicheng got his face kicked in. Ten fled. Taeyong was dead by the time he reached the hospital. Taeil died in surgery.

The defense did what Sicheng had feared they would do: they attacked his character, his credibility. Brought up his past, his drug use, his prostitution, his relationships with not only Ten and Taeyong, but with Taeil and Yukhei as well. Sicheng watched as the jury's opinion turned against him. How skeptical they were of his testimony now. He couldn't change the past, but that didn't mean he was lying now.

"Isn't this all just a ploy to get back at Ten? You setting him up for this crime for him kicking you out?"

"I was not kicked out. I left. I hadn't heard from him in months. All I did that night was pray that we wouldn't run into him. Because I know what he's capable of. What he would do. I just wish it had been me. Taeil was too good. He never would have been there if not for me. It should have been me."

Sicheng began to sob, unable to speak. The defense stated they had no further questions, and he was dismissed. Security moved him to a corner of the room, while the prosecution called Kun to the stand. In all this time, Ten had never taken his eyes of Sicheng. Only now did he look even remotely nervous.

After being sworn in, Kun took his seat. The prosecution walked him through his relationship with Sicheng, what interactions he'd had with Ten.

"I never felt good about him. He always felt like a snake in the grass. I didn't know Sicheng well, but I could feel the manipulation and tension from across the room. Something wasn't right."

"And now? What have you witnessed since the night of the murder?"

"I have been tasked with guarding Dong Sicheng around the clock. In the past three months, my team and I have thwarted no less than twenty attempts on his life. Witnesses support the claim that orders were given by a man known as Ten. The money trail also leads back to businesses owned by Ten. The defense has smeared the reputation of, and tried to kill, Dong Sicheng to keep him silent. You must not be fooled by his money and charm. No one else could have done this. Taeil had no known enemies. He was loyal to his friends, a man of his word. He died trying to protect a stranger, because that was the kind of person he was. And Ten killed him, because that's the kind of person he is."

The courtroom was silent. But only for a brief moment. Then, laughter. Horrible laughter. Maniacal laughter. The kind that had haunted Sicheng for years.

Ten, his head cocked back, eyes closed, laughing.

~

There had been six more days of testimony. Sicheng's security detail had intensified. He hadn't slept since he left the hospital. Kun only left his side when summoned back into court.

It took the jury just nine hours to convict Ten. Kun's testimony had clenched the case. Regardless of how the jury felt about Sicheng as a person, the fact that Ten wanted him dead so badly, made it all click together for them. Ten was sentenced to 25 years to life for the murder of Taeil. He received a consecutive sentence of 10 years, for each attempted homicide charge, and another 7 years for all the drug charges. Ten would die in prison.

~

6 years later

Kun sat next to Sicheng on the plane. The younger hated flying, even though they made the same trip every year. He never got used to it.

Kun and Sicheng had left the United States shortly after Ten's trial. They returned with Kun's parents to China, where they had done everything they could to protect Sicheng, and help him rebuild the shattered pieces of his life. It had taken years, many fights, many more tears, but Sicheng found a way to get along without Taeil.

Taeil's parents had been forgiving. It must have been where their son got it from. They allowed Sicheng to keep the snow globe collection. At first, he couldn't stand the idea of having them around, but as time passed, he realized that he possessed Taeil's treasure, what he'd cherished the most. As he sorted through the box, he found two snow globes he'd never seen before. One, medium sized, a scene of Belle and the Beast dancing, had his name inscribed on the bottom. The other, tiny, with Chip, had Renjun's name in swirling font on the front. Christmas gifts Taeil wasn't able to give. Sicheng cradled them to his chest.

~

Every year, Kun and Sicheng made two trips: the first was to visit Renjun, to celebrate him on his birthday; the second took more effort, and it was why they were in the sky.

The pair visited Taeil's grave every year, decorated it with flowers, sat in the cold, tried to feel him in the wind. Kun had never pushed, because he understood. No one would ever take the place of Taeil in Sicheng's heart. No one ever could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don't know how much this chapter has weighed on my heart and mind. I'm so sorry that I couldn't give you guys a happy ending. The album this is based off of isn't happy, so I couldn't write it happy. I'm so sorry.
> 
> I want to thank you all for joining me on this 10 week journey. To everyone that has left kudos and comments, please know that you gave me the strength to continue on with this fic. It's been quite difficult.
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/KmsmittyA?s=09)


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